This article by Laim Murphy @liamwaterloo first appeared in the UK’s FS magazine here.  

Admit it. We all want it. The ‘happy ever after’, to meet ‘the one’, to settle down in the country with our lover and an army of pugs. The pursuit of love is human nature and the exhilaration you feel when you finally find a boyfriend is intoxicating. Unfortunately, it’s also human nature to have our cake and have sex with it too. This isn’t an exclusively gay trait – heterosexuals are just as guilty of thrusting their genitals at the nearest package of flesh – however it’s a reality we have to consider in this tricky world of dating.

Why do people cheat?

Maybe you were unhappy, drunk, horny, drunk and horny, drunk and horny and bored, or maybe you’re just a bit of a git. Whatever the reason, however justified, cheating does happen. It could just be a quick blowjob or it could be a full-blown ten-man gangbang. The reasons and the act in question don’t matter as such – it’s the betrayal that counts.

That’s not to vilify the ‘cheater’ completely; many circumstances can lead to someone going astray. You could be arguing with your boyfriend a lot, it could be a retaliation for how you’ve been treated by your significant other, or maybe there’s been such a communication breakdown that you’ve gone elsewhere for comfort. Or it could be that you really are just a bit of a git.

The cheaters 

“I really didn’t see myself as the bad guy at the time,” 25-year-old Jesse tells FS. “I’d been in a relationship for about two years and I just felt it wasn’t going anywhere. He didn’t want to move in with me but he didn’t want to break up with me either. I did love him but I felt trapped and we were obviously drifting apart. I was going out with my friend without him a lot and it seemed like he couldn’t be arsed to make the effort to interact with us – he never really did to be honest. One night I went out and got absolutely trashed – drink, drugs – you name it, I did it. I ended up going back to someone’s house with a group of guys for a ‘chill out’ and before you knew it, nakedness happened.”

Jesse had planned to keep it to himself but he decided honesty was the best policy. “When I saw my boyfriend next he was asking me about my night out. Something snapped in me and I thought ‘he probably doesn’t even fucking care anyway’, so I told him what happened. He was devastated and it left him kind of broken. I cried, he cried and it was all very messy. I realised how much I loved him but it was all too late. He didn’t trust me anymore and I was left feeling like a bit of a scumbag.”

Cheating doesn’t always lead to the destruction of a relationship however, as Michael can attest to. “I’d been with Drew (my partner) for about five years and things weren’t great. I’d started to use the net to cruise guys, and one day I arranged a ‘meet’ and went and hooked up with someone. Because I’m a bit stupid and forgot Drew and I share a laptop, he looked through the history and found what sites I’d been using. I braced myself for the shouting and crying and throwing of vases but he was really calm. He just looked at me and basically told me he was doing the same thing. We had a massive talk, which actually lasted about two days, and we realised we really loved each other and we’d let the relationship fall apart without even really wanting to.

There was a minor wobble when we found out we’d brought crabs into our bed – we never really figured out who it was – but now we’re stronger than ever, with a strict ‘no cheating’ agreement.”

The open relationshippers

Open relationships are fairly common in the gay community and while they’re not for everybody, some loving, committed couples are comfortable in exploring their sexuality outside their partnership.

“My boyfriend Jason decided to go abroad to study and because of the distance, I resigned myself to the relationship not lasting,” explaines 28-year-old Martin. “However, we loved each other and decided to give the long-distance thing a go, but open it up to defuse some of the tensions a long-distance relationship can bring.” When it comes to their sexual health, Martin and his boyfriend take no chances. “Obviously we play apart and we have a ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy in place when it comes to sex partners. The strictest of the rules is ‘safe sex always’ but if an accident did happen – a condom breaking or anything else particularly risky – we would tell each other. We both go for a check-up every eight months just in case, because we’d rather be safe than sorry.”

They also think communication is the key to their relationship’s success, “You can solve a lot of problems before they happen just by talking through your feelings about them. The openness in our relationship wouldn’t work without being open with each other, and because we talk regularly about it, we can alter the rules as we go to make sure they work.”

When it comes to open relationships, it’s not just boyfriends who need to be aware of their sexual health, it’s the ‘guest stars’ too. Thom told us about his hook-ups with a couple that led to a trip to the GUM clinic. “I used to fool around with a guy a few years back and then lost touch. We reconnected again a little while ago and he told me he now had a boyfriend and they enjoyed inviting people into their ‘love making’. The boyfriend liked the look of me, so I jumped at the chance. I used to go round to their house about once a week for fun and I did that for a good few months. I knew they shagged about a lot with other people, as well as going to saunas and sex parties, but they always used condoms when fucking other guys, and I went for an ‘MOT’ every four to six months, so I wasn’t too worried.

Well, one day I got a call from my friend who informed me that his boyfriend had some nasty symptoms and that I should go for a check-up, as I was the only regular casual partner they had. It turned out his boyfriend had the LGV strain of Chlamydia, so I had two weeks of precautionary antibiotics and celibacy. I know they had no sex, with each other or other guys for around a month and when I asked them how they got it, it turned out they both had shagged someone separately without protection, so they couldn’t be sure who caught it first. I think the trust was gone for them after that and they broke up a short time later.”

The monogamisers

Carlos has been with his partner for just over a year and they have a completely committed, monogamous relationship. “We made the decision to not use condoms when we have sex. The main reason was that I tend to lose sensation during sex if I wear one, even when I use the extra thin condoms.”

The decision to not use protection is something he discussed at great length with his partner. “We did use them at first but as we’re in a 100% committed relationship, we decided that the trust was high enough to not wear condoms. Cheating is not an option for us and if we ever get interested by someone else, we’ve agreed that it’s probably time to move on.”

Carlos and his boyfriend did take precautions before deciding to ditch the condoms however. “We went to a GUM clinic to get a full barrage of tests done and only when the results came back with the ‘all clear’, did we decide to keep the condoms locked up in the bed-side cabinet. Once you stop using condoms, I believe monogamy is a mandatory rule. After all, it’s about commitment, trust and loving and protecting each other.”

Adam, on the other hand, has been in a monogamous relationship for the past two years but still uses condoms with his boyfriend. “For me, it’s not a trust issue at all. I think using condoms is a good habit to get into and it’s one I always practise. It doesn’t seem to affect me sensation-wise, so I always just whack one on when getting down to business. It’s like an automatic process for me.” He explains that there are several other factors that led him to keep using protection. “To be perfectly honest, I do use condoms for hygiene reasons too. We all know that anal sex can be… messy… for lack of a better word, no matter how many precautions we take. I’m pretty squeamish with that stuff, so a condom for me acts as a handy glove for your penis! It’s probably not the most important reason to use a condom, but it works for me!”

The I think we’re monogamisers

It’s understandable, when you’re in a relationship, that at some point you may want to do away with condoms and indulge in some bareback bumming with your once and future love. However, as much as you trust them, would you quite literally put your health in their hands?

The decision to go bareback with your boyfriend can have some repercussions, especially if you find out that your partner hasn’t been entirely faithful. “I was so in love with my boyfriend of the time that I didn’t even question not using condoms,” explains 32-year-old Chris. “We were together for a year or so and very happy. Except one day I noticed a discharge from my penis and a mild burning sensation when I went to the toilet. I’d never had an STI before, so I didn’t even consider a GUM clinic and I went straight to my GP (which was a little bit embarrassing) who then referred me to a clinic. I confronted my boyfriend about it, and he confessed to Grindr-ing his way through most of London. He couldn’t tell me whether he’d been completely safe or not.

It’s a shame because it’s made it very hard for me to trust guys who are interested in me now. I did learn one thing though: I will always use a bloody condom!”

The HIV issue

Lei was dating his boyfriend for around six months before a revelation changed things forever. “Things were going really well. We had loads of fun together, we were getting closer emotionally and the sex was fantastic. We used condoms most of the time, but there were occasions when the excitement got a bit too much and we didn’t quite manage it. I’m a bottom and I’ll be honest, sex without condoms feels so much better.

I get tested regularly at the clinic but he never really had, so we decided a quick check-up was needed. He came round to my flat that night and I could see he was pale and visibly shaken. He’d been diagnosed as HIV-positive.”

After the bombshell, Lei made a difficult decision that he thought was ultimately for the best. “A few weeks later I decided to break up with him. I know he didn’t cheat on me and he got it through previous encounters, but after I got tested and it came back negative, I made the decision that being in a relationship with someone who was HIV-positive was more than I could handle. I know it seems selfish, but I prioritised my health first and I knew that if we tried to give it a go, the pressure would eventually break us up. I stayed friends with him and I’m still there to support him. Many a night we’ve met up and talked through how he’s feeling and how he’s getting on. I admit that it’s not my finest moment and I know many couples can make it work but, at the time, it wasn’t for me. The one thing I did take away from the whole experience is that condoms are pretty essential, especially at the beginning of relationships. I feel like I really dodged a bullet.”

However, as Lei says, mixed HIV status couples can make it work. Ross and his partner had been together a number of years when he discovered that he was HIV-positive. “It was a definite life-changer but we both approached it in a very sensible, organised way. My doctor told me, I told my boyfriend, and we worked out a plan. He coped so well with it. I mean, of course he was worried, but now that I’ve been undetectable for a few years, that helps somewhat.”

As Ross and his partner have an open relationship, honesty has always been key to their partnership’s success. “When we first got together, he told me that we couldn’t have a long-term relationship unless it was open. This required serious thought and a lot of growing up on my part, I think. The key was honest communication and and we didn’t quite manage it. I’m a bottom and I’ll be honest, sex without condoms feels so much better."

“It doesn’t matter whether you’re gay or straight, once you’re in a relationship you’re much less likely to use condoms,” says Matthew Hodson, Head of Programmes at gay men’s health charity GMFA. “Sometimes couples talk about this first, ensure that they both have the same HIV status and work out what they would do if one of them, for whatever reason, put themselves at risk outside of the relationship. All too often though that discussion doesn’t take place, or people find that they’re unable to keep to the agreements that they have made.” Matthew unfortunately hears a similar story a lot through his work at GMFA. “If you talk to a group of men with HIV about how they got it, you will inevitably hear stories of people who became infected because they believed that they were in a monogamous relationship - and found out, too late, this wasn’t the case. About a third of men with HIV believe that they got the virus from sex within a relationship. Of course that doesn’t mean that there are no monogamous relationships, just that sometimes it’s hard to know whether your relationship truly is monogamous.”

When asked why he thinks open relationships are more common in the gay community, Matthew believes it’s down to unrestrictive relationship models, “Perhaps because we don’t see our lives reflected in the fairy tales we hear as children, gay men seem to be happier to explore a range of relationship models. I know couples in relationships that are completely open, where either partner can have sex with anyone at any time, others who do threesomes (or more-somes) but ban any sexual activity when the other partner isn’t present, some couples who are happy to talk about their playing around and others who allow it but only on condition that they never talk about it. For a lot of gay couples though, the traditional, monogamous model is the one that they prefer. While gay men may be more accepting of alternatives to monogamy, there’s a lot of evidence that suggests that a hefty proportion of heterosexual couples aren’t actually monogamous either. Most successful relationships are built on a solid foundation of good communication. People change, and so change within a relationship is inevitable — but if you keep on talking to each other then you’re well placed to avoid the hazards that relationships can run into.”

Communication is the key

Whether you’re monogamous, in an open relationship, cheating or cheated on, it’s clear that when it to comes down to you and your boyfriend’s sexual well-being, honest communication with your partner is vital. If you decide to no longer use protection, then try and make a trip to the clinic part of your routine. It doesn’t mean you don’t trust each other. Just consider it as normal as going to the dentist. 

Sona Barbosa, Counselling Team Leader at the GMI Partnership, thinks that the decision to stop using condoms with a partner, no matter how long the relationship, should not be taken lightly. “Health and emotional factors are at risk here. The key issues are communication and trust. Being able to communicate with and to trust a partner is essential. Lack of trust can seriously damage a relationship and one’s self esteem and self-confidence. Living in doubt can take away a person’s ability to believe in themselves. I know clients who have told me that they became paranoid and extremely controlling, making their partners feel suffocated and trapped in the relationship.

It’s very important that partners communicate with each other, listen to each other and respect each other’s views and feelings. This is the only way they’ll be able to reach a decision about what type of relationship they want to be in. If they do agree to an open relationship, I suggest they go back to using condoms and make sure they get tested frequently. However, agreeing to an open relationship and being able to deal with one and accept it is a different story. At some point this will need to be an individual decision depending on what each person wants and feels comfortable with.”

We know that not everyone cheats and there are some fine upstanding monogamous men on this dirt rock, but for our own sexual health, we need to at least squint through the rose-tinted glasses (designer, of course) and be aware that a slip of the penis can happen.

We know that using a condom every time you have sex isn’t always realistic but honest communication with your partner is. Tell them what you want from your sex life and maybe you can work something out that gets you both off, whether that’s an open relationship or not. Become more oral... you know you want to.

FS SAYS: what we have learnt

We all know relationships are a tricky thing. Everyone is different and we all act differently in different situations. If relationships were easy then you would never need any advice, would you? But from looking at our survey results it’s clear that better communication is needed. Whatever you want from your relationship, whether that’s an open relationship or 100% monogamy then you need to be clear with your partner. And here’s why:

If you are having sex with someone else without your partner’s consent then you need to know the risks.

| In 2011 about 3000 gay men were diagnosed with HIV.

| About 80% of all new HIV infections came from people who didn’t know they were HIV-positive.

| Around one-in-five positive men still don’t know they are HIV-positive.

So if you are having sex with someone who is not your partner and you are not using condoms then you need to test for HIV regularly. And if you fuck up? PEP is available.

What is PEP?

PEP is a course of HIV medication which you can take if you have been at risk of infection. The course of HIV medication lasts 28 days and, if you start taking it within 72 hours of putting yourself at risk, it may be able to prevent you from becoming infected with HIV. PEP stands for post-exposure prophylaxis – in other words it’s a form of protection (against HIV) that you can take after you have taken a risk or had a condom break on you.

 “Positive Sex ideally would involve disclosure being met with acceptance and understanding, not rejection and stigma. Positive Sex would involve the elimination of terminology that is discriminatory on the dating scene and a shift within the public whereby people would consider dating a person living with HIV, without fear or stigma.”

Gail from the HIV Disclosure Project.

The HIV/AIDS pandemic of the 1980s led to a surge of condom campaigns. Now when we hear the term “safe sex” we immediately associate it with male condoms, the Pill, unwanted pregnancy, STIs. HIV transmission is discussed in sex education, but what’s neglected are the specifics about HIV as it is today: how it is manageable, what “undetectable” means, why terms like “clean” are harmful, what the hell is PReP (Pre Exposure) and PEP (Post Exposure Prophylaxis). And we certainly never discuss the possibility of having a healthy sexual relationship with a person living with HIV.

The reason is because, frankly, there is still fear associated with the virus. People like Gail, Jessica and Jolene, founders of the HIV Disclosure Project, know that HIV stigma persists just as it did 30 years ago. It permeates our fears of “death, dying, contracting the virus through protected sex, casual contact, fear of dating a person who is living with HIV as others may think they are positive as well (guilty by association). Fear that people living with HIV are highly contagious”, Gail describes in our interview. “Many people know the facts about transmission and yet are afraid that there might be some “unusual” accident which will lead to infection.”

For the rest of the article go to where this entry was first posted on The Condom Monologues here. 

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Why is it that the most unattainable guys are the ones we are most attracted to? I’m not talking about the guys who we think are so gorgeous they repel anything less then themselves. No, I am referring to the men, who for one reason or another, we can never have. In the past couple weeks I have had two very different kinds of unattainables.  

A couple of weeks ago a new friend of mine, Charles was performing in a new play.  The only thing I will say about the production was that his performance was amazing, and I trust you will understand my implications. Afterwards, I was invited to have drinks with his friends.I have decreed that I am going to try to be more social this summer and thus going forward I am not allowing myself to use “doing laundry” as my excuse for not going out on a Friday night. So I said yes.

After the play we all walked to a nearby bar and I randomly made the decision to sit next to the boy with the biceps the size of cantaloupes. It was a valid choice that I stand by. His name was Malcolm. At first, Malcolm had no intention in speaking to me. In fact he had no intention to speak to anyone based on his complete enthrallment with the glowing light of his iPhone. So I chatted with some other new people and was starting to feel like part of the group.  Then Malcolm put down his phone and noticed me and the night started to change.  

I don’t know really what happened, but all of a sudden Malcolm became consumed with me. Almost every bit of his attention was thrown towards me and of course, I didn’t mind one bit.

Malcolm was not exactly what I had first imagined. I guess that is why I became so drawn to him. He wasn’t your typical meathead.  I am not saying he’s going to win a Nobel Peace Prize anytime soon. Nowhere close. But he is probably one of the biggest goof balls I have ever met. He had me laughing so hard the entire night that I didn’t even notice the other people in the room.  He had me laughing so hard that it felt like my spleen was going to burst. He had me laughing so hard that I didn’t become nervous when his hand found its way to my knee or the small of my back. He had me laughing so hard that I had to do a double take when he went to the restroom and one of the other new guys that I met told me that he was married. Cue record scratch. That’s right my friends, he is married.   

I quickly knew exactly what this was and knew that I had to pull myself away from this comically colorful muscly man.  Unfortunately now that Charles and I are becoming better friends I knew that this would not be the last time I would see Malcolm.  

Case in point - the next week was Charles’ birthday and he was having a birthday dinner at a Mexican restaurant in the West Village. I decided to go hoping that should Malcolm attend, any sort of flirting would be squashed by the presence of his husband. Alas, his husband did not join us.   

I knew that if I allowed myself to drink a lot all of my defenses would drop and I would be at the mercy of those biceps. So, I ordered a sipping drink: a jalapeño margarita. Who cares if my mouth was on fire the entire night? I was resolved to  have the majority of my wits about me.

All in all the dinner went well enough - only a couple of sideways glances from Malcolm and of course the obligatory following me to the bathroom.   

I planning on staying out after dinner, it was a school night and I had crossfit the next morning before work. But since other people were meeting us at another bar I thought I would go for just one drink. This is where Malcolm’s shenanigans began. I had made it clear that I wasn’t staying long and Malcolm didn’t like that at all. Unbeknownst to me, he started taking stuff out of my bag and hiding them around the bar so that I couldn’t leave until I found them. He was trying to keep me there by way of a drunkard’s version of a scavenger hunt.   

Don’t get me wrong, it was kind of cute and if he wasn’t MARRIED, I might have found it endearing.   Up until that point, the problem was that I adored having all the attention from someone who was so attractive.  But people started to comment and whisper in my ear “You know he’s married, right?”, I don’t think I could’ve felt more like the other woman than if I was jerking him off in the bathroom!  I knew I had to allow my balls to drop and stand up to him.

In my drunken state I grabbed him by the arm and made him find my gym shoes that were under a table in the next room and the book “American Gods” by Neil Gaiman from above the bathroom sink. Then I said to him, “Clearly there is an attraction here. But I’m sorry, it’s never gonna happen.” With that he said “Oh, ok” and walked away and I have never seen him since.  

Here’s the thing -  sex is sex and if we are in an open relationship and have sex with other people that is great. I have actually been one of the “other people” on a couple of occasions and I went in knowing that it was going to be what it was – only sex. The problem is that I’m a hopeless romantic. If I am attracted to you and you flirt with me and lead me on in a romantic way, I will probably fall in love with you.  The last thing I want is to become obsessed with you and get slighted because you are married and never leaving your husband.  Because then I’d end up like Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction. And seriously, no one wants to find a fuzzy bunny boiling on their stove, do they?

I am sitting here in a darkened room trying to not let the keyboard make too much noise. It’s early on a Sunday spring morning and although I would love to open the curtains and put on my short shorts and start my morning Mysore practice I am at a pause. 

What’s the reason for this? Well it’s quite simple. There is someone else in my bed.  

I made it a point and have even gone out of my way at many times to try not to speak about dating, love and relationships – mostly because I have been a pretty big failure in many of those arenas, also for privacy for the person I am with.  I mean I live my life pretty open and honestly (at times bordering on the close to extreme) and want to respect the others around me as I write and share my journey, insight and life so that I am not oversharing any great details of theirs.

And yet here I am. The man I’m dating snores softly in the background while my hands click away.

Dating and HIV. We all talk about it and write about it on this site.  Why? Well maybe because it’s a topic we all think about. When I was first diagnosed over 17 years ago, besides facing my own mortality, the next big issue or thoughts obsessed around one primary single thought – no one will ever want to date me again.

I want to say explicitly – this thought is a lie.  However, if you tell yourself something over and over again, you will begin to believe it is true and make it true.  I have spoken about other thoughts and ideas about body image and self-identity before but dating is something much more.  It brings together all the insecurities of body image and adds onto it economic standing, mannerisms, fears and anxieties and deep feelings of insecurity. 

Before going forward, I really feel a great fondness for the men that have been a part of my life; you know who you are. There were moments when facing my own mortality that the love and kindness shown to me through the care of one boyfriend sustained me through this dark time and even though it did not last, he helped motivate me even after.  (And, as a side note, I cannot help but feel I motivated him as his career is now in palliative care). 

But in my mid-30s and dating men again (because there was a time I wasn’t) I started making some decisions about my value and those around me.  You see I kept ending up with men who had a problem or issues with me being poz.  We would start this dating journey but things would just get odd or uncomfortable around sex and we wouldn’t discuss it. 

There came a point, after several of these in a row, where I was just like “I am and you are worth more than this.  Let’s just call this what it is, and both walk away”. I will not let my fear of being alone dictate my dating choices any longer.  So after a stint of dating guys uncomfortable with my status, I thought that perhaps I’d just simply date someone who was also poz too. That would resolve the problem. So I started seeking like-minded men out who were also poz. But I was running into an entirely different but similar problem.  Four guys in a row – all poz and all didn’t work out.

What are the reasons? Well it came down to lifestyle choices. You see I don’t smoke, drink or do chemical substances.  In some way or another they all did. I was ok with and are still ok with friends, family, loved ones doing what they want to enjoy their lives but I have found that this just doesn’t work for me in my personal life anymore and I really try not to make it a big deal because it just isn’t a big deal to me – it’s just part of who I am in this body in life.  So at the end of this I was left puzzling this statement “So, I’m too ‘sick’ to be dated by neg people and too ‘healthy’ to be dated by poz people?’

What I really needed and was looking for in a guy was more than just your average, run-of-the-mill man. Certain values and beliefs that are dear to me, I’d like valued by him as well. So I went back to the drawing board. And by honing in my radar, as it were, and being clearer about myself and how I live, I was able to find and meet more like-minded guys. Some have turned into budding friendships.

As I write this I think about some of my new friend dates that took me to a vegan restaurant that is now one of my favourites, or a brunch location and chat that gave me an appreciation for classic cars. There’s even one buddy who lives so far away, has a bf, and yet is close to my heart and life even though we’ve never met. So maybe these aren’t men I would date or marry, but they are gay men who value me for me. And their lives are wonderful and fascinating and by learning about them, I feel like I am growing too.  Friendships are gifts.

If I am ever to truly date another gay man and learn to be intimate with him then I need to be able to be open to being intimate with others – allowing myself to be exposed, as it were, in a caring manner and trust that this is safe and valued to do.

I am really glad to be in a place in life and have that, but this has not always been the case. There have been many struggles and distractions; confusion about motive and love. Sometimes things have ended and I felt broken hearted.  What I have come to realize is that it wasn’t the love, if there was love, between us that ended, but the hope and idea of this love-filled dream of tomorrow that died. It’s almost like I have been mourning a future that never existed. And the struggle and question I had been asking was “When will this happen for me?”

I don’t know the answer to that question.  How funny would it be if the answer was something like “July 3rd, 2:17pm, stand by the fountain on the north side”  What I do know is that I made a decision at the beginning of January 2014 to be open to it. I am open to love and a relationship. And it was going to mean some shifts. First off, I live like a bachelor. My bed was pretty much only big enough for me and my life was situated in patterns and behaviours. In many ways I can be quite predictable for someone who people see as spontaneous. 

So I started making space in my life.  Even though there was no one currently there I started making room for the potential of someone being there. So I made a plan to get a larger bed. I also started creating larger unplanned gaps in my life that I didn’t overfill with extra tasks and busy work. Next I started to re-arrange my apartment and home – keeping it cleaner and making it more inviting for another. Again, there was still nobody on the horizon.

It may not seem like a big deal but I have always found that making strong intentions and then following them up with actions really makes strong course corrections in my pattern of living. So I started them and here we are now.

He’s now softly snoring away in my new queen-size bed and the blackout curtains are still drawn while I type away madly and hopefully as quietly as I can to you all.  It’s almost noon and there’s a beautiful sunny day going on outside but we are still in. I have unplanned almost my entire day which for me is a big deal. I may or may not practice today.

Letting go and allowing another is a pretty big yogic practice if I do say so myself – even though it doesn’t have as many vinyasas I’m as familiar with.It definitely has a lot of work for me to do: the role of a boyfriend for example. This is something I am open to and probably the first point in my life to be able to say I’m truly ready for, as ready as one can be that is.

Breathe.

My good friend Allie always says “Fear means go” and she’s so right.  This area has made me nervous for so long but I am ready.  Ready to be open.  Ready to be there for someone else.  Ready for the real possibilities of something else.  Namaste.

Hello darkness, my old friend. 

Recently, I was dating. Should Pope Francis take credit for it, that’s one out of three divine interventions sorted for his canonization.

Anyway, the man was, by all accounts, not very aware when it comes to sexual health, having been in a straight monogamous relationships for years and only coming out of the closet in the last year or so. Add to that being only 25 and coming from a place where being gay is more on the Alienate People than How to Make Friends side of things, and you have an explosive cocktail. Thank God for all this being balanced out by a great personality. And good looks. That helps, too. 

At the end of date three, it was disclosure time. By then, having stuck to my own guide, I had a pretty good idea of who he was and was certain he would not freak out. He didn’t. Of course, not freaking out does not always mean people are OK to date you, but it is still appreciated when they don’t run a mile – literally, although I didn’t measure it - when you tell them. 

He panicked when hearing how I was infected by an unaware carrier, recalling his own experiences grinding the past few months away and enjoying the freedom of being openly gay, finally. He told me of the not-so-safe things he had done and how, if it had happened to me, it could have already happened to him.

This was awkward for two reasons: first, the lack of knowledge on the topic of transmission. I tried to reassure him, HIV after all is quite a weak virus outside of the body, so his chances of being infected whilst playing with a partner’s cum was pretty remote. Second, I was contemplating the life introspection occurring in front of me. Every concern he had, every question he asked seemed less about me or a possible ‘us’ and more about reassuring himself that he was going to be OK. Cue endless questions. On the bright side, at least he cared about sexual health. 

That night I went home, alone. I left him there, on his bed. Yes, fully clothed, no sex before mar… disclosure, etc. I had answered all his questions. I had told him about my treatment, about life expectancy, about sexual risks or lack thereof. I had done my bit for HIV information, like a slutty school nurse: kissing first to get their attention, teaching whilst they were hooked. Mind you, if any school nurse ever did that, make it a male one and send me the address, I’ll shave and pass off for a student again. 

But by then he was withdrawn, not his usual happy chap. He had become quiet, distant. I knew one thing for sure: we weren’t going to date anymore. Obviously, I was disappointed. Not sad, not angry, just annoyed that the things that could have been were not given a proper chance. The relationship had reached a dead-end, hitting a wall of ignorance and fear; the wall of stigma. I had given all the tools, all the facts to understand what serodiscordant relationships meant in 2014, but it wasn’t enough and I was not going to fight for it. Fights are for much later on in relationships, not date three. 

Silence like a cancer grows 

The following day was eerily quiet. No call, no text, nothing. That day hurt more than the previous evening: plain rejection is one thing, unsaid rejection a much harder one. It took another day for him to process the news; we arranged for him to come over for dinner, just a friendly gathering. On the day, after two hours of chitchat and manners best described as frigid, it was time to call a spade a spade. 

Me: Shall we talk about the elephant in the room?

Him: Yes. Errrr… I don’t think I can do it (ie, dating me.) I’m sorry. 

Conversation did carry on, but that was that. Short of a happy ending, it was at least closure. The certainty that it was not going to happen. The honesty to say it out loud. The respect to do it face to face. This story was no longer about romance; reality had put its stamp all over it and, as we know, it can suck sometimes. 

He was keen to remain friends, however. I was neither for nor against the idea, I would let things happen and see. The whole thing was about a month ago and we still chat regularly. We go out, we chat, we drink, we do what friends do and not look back on how it all started. 

Hear my words that I might teach you 

A week or so after that crucial night, he messaged me. His words were carefully picked, serious. He had been diagnosed with a somewhat benign STD and since, despite never having sexual contact, we had been physically close, it was possible I had it too.

Never had I been so amused at the idea of having been infected by something. The irony levels were up the roof. I knew it, he knew it; the whole situation was hilarious, had it not been terribly cutting at the same time. For he was now in the very position he had rejected me for a few days earlier; and was actually more likely to have passed this on than I could ever be with HIV. 

To some extent, I thought it might make him reconsider how quick he had been to make his earlier decision. I didn’t want him to reconsider ‘us’, that ship had sailed; but I hoped he would see HIV in a different, more common light. After all, he was more likely to get an STD from a random encounter (or even a boyfriend) than he was from getting HIV from someone like me – aware, on treatment and undetectable. 

Maybe he did think it through. On a drunken night out recently he talked of ‘what ifs’ and all that jazz. I asked him to read this enlightening article. Not for me but for the ones to come. As a gay man in London, he is bound to be in the same situation again. When the time happens, I can only hope that the outcome will be a happier one. One where “what ifs” are replaced with “I know”: no longer “what if something goes wrong” but “I know we can have sex and still be safe.” 

Take my arms that I might reach you 

Tonight, we are going to see Positive, a play about dating with HIV. The virus is now on his radar, no longer a taboo, an unknown condition that can be ignored. 

The war on stigma is not over but, everyday, small victories happen. Slowly and quietly – but surely-, I shall keep on fighting. 

One date at a time. 

This article previously appeared in Tom’s own blog livinghiv.com here. 

This article previously appeared on Joshua’s own blog positivehope.com here.  

Living with HIV is hard enough ito come to terms with ourselves. However informing others of our status can be an equally if not more difficult task.

Some are afraid of how people will react, others face violence or being ostracized and some could possibly face legal/criminal recourse if they do not disclose in a timely manner.

So when is the right time to disclose? I think it's safe to say when we speak about disclosure there are multiple different kinds of disclosures that we are speaking of. There is disclosure to our friends and family but the other often more challenging task is that of informing sexual partners or someone you might be interested in taking it to the “next level” with. There also exists disclosure on the medical level of informing our doctors, dentists, tattoo artists, and anyone else who might be at risk or generally would need to know as they are taking care of our health.

We must keep in mind that HIV disclosure is a very personal subject and there are varying opinions on the matter.

Disclosure to friends or family can be very scary because we are unsure of how they will react, or if they will continue to love and support us fully as they did before. I personally came out of the “HIV closet” as some refer to it, as soon as I was diagnosed. It crossed my mind for a brief second to keep it a secret; however I didn’t possibly know how I would be able to contain all of the emotions I was feeling without looking like I had lost my mind.

Bottom line is I needed someone to talk to. I started out by telling fellow co-workers who had grown to be good friends, I received shocked but supportive reactions. Everything was very fresh to me, I literally had been diagnosed two hours prior to coming into work, and I never really gave myself that time to grieve. Talking about it with others was my time to let it out. I received a lot of support and was surprised at how educated some were about it, not to the extent everyone should be, but enough to know that they wouldn’t get it from casual contact.

I went home that night and with tears in my eyes, I told my mother, the one who had given her soul to raise me into the man I am today. I felt like such a disappointment, knowing I had put myself in this situation, I didn’t know how she would take the news that her son had been diagnosed with a virus that without medication can still be deadly. It was so hard; however after a long night of weeping, we made a pact that we would stick it out through this no matter what it took.

I told my dad later on that night before he went to work in the morning and he gave me the biggest hug ever, I knew that with my friends and family I would have the support system that I would need. That's not to say that the emotions and feelings went away after that first night, they certainly lingered for months and even to this day. However, as family and friends we have learned to accept it for what it is and make the best of it. After all I am on treatment, living healthy, and not on my death bed as I most certainly would have been 30 years ago.

I waited until I got my confirmatory western blot test to disclose to my ex girlfriend who I am still not sure to this day is the one that infected me after cheating. Since the other girls I had gotten with months after had been “one night stands” I did not have any of their numbers let alone found it easy to remember their names. They were simply ways that I was trying to forget about my relationship and at the time the “love” that I thought I had lost. I had also gotten a tattoo months prior to our break up, as did my ex, so there were several risk factors involved.

It was the hardest call I ever had to make. It was devastating to hear someone have such a reaction to something that you now realize you cannot change. However, deep down in my heart, I know I did the right thing by disclosing to her regardless of where it came from, so she could get tested and take appropriate steps for her health if needed. 

Since my last relationship there have been a couple of girls that I have disclosed to and received mixed reactions from. Right now I am honestly more interested in a sincere relationship than sex, what got me into this predicament in the first place.

My position on disclosure is that as long as you are not engaging in sex, disclosure is not necessary.  It is very smart, though, if you are positive to check what your state's/country's laws are to make sure you are in not  in conflict with them, as the end result could be years behind bars.

Here in California for example the law states as long as I use a condom with a girl, I don’t have to disclose my status; it is one of the loosest written laws in the country. This article is not about criminalization however disclosure goes hand and hand. My point is that although my local state law says I do not have to disclose as long as there is a barrier between us, morally I think it is the right thing to do.

Imagine if that condom broke, what would I say then? How would I feel or what guilt might I live with until I knew for sure that person has not been infected? What if they do get infected? If sex is happening, the other person should have the choice.

Give the person the choice that nobody gave you when you were infected; don’t look at it as a downer, but as an empowering moment. If that person can’t accept you for who you are then they are not worth your time of day. You can try to educate them about it and how to protect both parties; however you need to educate yourself about it first and accept it fully. That way you are prepared for whatever reaction they might have.

So when it comes to sex, when is the right time?

I wouldn’t recommend telling the person right before you are about to jump into bed with them, probably a good way to end the night badly. I also wouldn’t start off by introducing yourself to a potential mate as “Hello, my name is _______ and I am HIV +”, unless sex with that person that particular night is your only intent. Give the person time to get to know you. When you start to feel an emotional attachment, DISCLOSE.

I suggest it at this point because if you don’t have any ties with that person or strings attached in your heart, then if that person rejects you, it is not going to hurt you as much. You can look back and see you did the right thing and if they turned you down, there are billions of other people on earth, your prince/princess is waiting for you.

With family and friends the right time to disclose is after you have accepted your status. The only difference with this form of disclosure is nine out of ten times you are already going to have some emotional attachment with these people. That is what makes it so difficult; you know it is going to hurt if they turn you away. The hot girl/guy might say no, but they haven’t known you since you were a kid or grew up going to the same school as you. They did not raise you, change your dirty diapers, or sit through every Friday night sports game you have ever played in. Family/friends can be very difficult however you would be surprised that more times than not, this fear is something that you should be embracing.

It is up to you when you decide to do it, however, most of the time it will make your family love you even more. I am not just saying this because of how my family reacted, but in general, it can bring families closer together even in the most religious of circles.

As with all disclosure it is important you become educated about it and are confident when you disclose your status. They might be shocked at first, it might take them time to absorb it; however eventually in the majority of cases they will come around. You have to have the answers to their questions, keep your head up despite whatever comments come your way, and have thick skin.

You don’t have to tell them every intimate detail about how you got HIV; however simply tell them it is something you wanted to let them know because they are important people in your life and all you are asking for is their love and support. You’ll be amazed at how far it will get you.

Disclosing in the medical field is something that is just a smart thing to do. Doctors, dentists, tattoo artists, phlebotomists, surgeons, acupuncturists, blood banks, sperm banks and the like need to know about your status for a variety of reasons. There are HIPPA laws  here in the US that prohibit these places from sharing your medical information without your consent,

Simply put, if a doctor is going to be treating me, he/she needs to know that I am positive in order to give me the highest quality of care possible. You should always disclose in these cases because if not you could be putting your own health at risk.

Sorry for the length of this blog however I believe disclosure is something that is a very important subject that is not discussed enough.

When disclosing be confident, educated, informed, and ask yourself the following questions

1. Why am I disclosing to this person ?
2. What am I looking to gain by disclosing to this individual and do they really need to know? What are your motives?
3. Will I face possible violence or legal action due to disclosing my status to this individual? 

Thanks everyone for reading and hearing me out another week. I thank you for your continued support here @pozitivehope and hope you check out my supporters at PositiveLite.com. They are a fantastic group doing so much good work for people living with HIV., One day I hope to be able to visit Canada myself and see the crew in action, they truly do some outstanding things for the community.

As always get educated, get tested, know your status, and get involved. Much <3 to all of you. Please check me out on Facebook, twitter, instagram, or by email if you have any questions/concerns. 

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This article with words by Stuart Haggas @GetStuart and photography by Chris Jepson, © www.chrisjepson.com.p[reviosuly appeared in FS Magazine, a publication of GMFA, here.  

A REAL PROBLEM

In the recent TV commercial for Kindle Fire HDX, a bewildered technophobe hits his Kindle’s ‘mayday’ button, starting a live video chat on usage control with tech adviser Amy. He soon reveals an addiction to Plants Vs Zombies, prompting Amy to confess her Candy Crush Saga addiction. “It’s becoming a real problem,” she admits.

Beyond the ideal world of TV adverts, apps and games are in fact resulting in problems of addiction – something that many gay men recognise all too well.

There are numerous apps designed specifically for us. If we’re feeling horny, bored or lonely, there’s a gay social networking app that can help fix that – but over-reliance on these apps can, to quote Amy, “become a real problem.”

SMARTR GAY SOCIALISING

Last month, we asked our readers about their use and experiences of gay social networking apps. Almost all of the 412 respondents said they use these apps on their smartphone and/or tablet.

By far the most popular app was Grindr: of the guys who use these apps, 87% regularly use Grindr. This was followed by Scruff, Gaydar, Growlr and Hornet. Other apps mentioned include Planet Romeo, Jack’d, Recon, Blendr, Mister, Tinder, Fitlads Mobile, Squirt, Manhunt, FabGuys, BBRTS, Adam4Adam, GuySpy, dudesnude, and Badoo – a long list that shows how app-focused we can be.

WHY?

When asked why they use apps such as Grindr and Scruff, the most popular answer was looking for one-to-one sex, with 71% of guys who use these apps admitting that was a major reason.

“My sex life very much improved as I’m a shift worker,” says Tony from Southampton, “but the nature of the apps is not conducive to finding anything long lasting.”

“The apps are great when you’re single,” acknowledges Sean from Glasgow. “Everyone gets the horn sometimes, but they have definitely added to the stereotype that gay men are promiscuous.”

Interestingly, the second most popular response was boredom, with 67% admitting they use these apps because they’re bored. 49% acknowledged it was ‘out of habit’, the third most popular response. “It has just become a habit,” says Tom from London. “I don’t actually meet that many people off it though. Most people are really weird, plus I’m looking for a relationship. It’s easy to tell who is just looking for sex, and who like me wants more.”

Other reasons for using apps are looking for dates (48%), friendship (47%) and relationships (41%), while 26% of guys said they use them because they’re lonely.

20% use them to find sex parties, and a comparatively small but significant 4% use them to find chems. “They were responsible for introducing me to chem sex and a very dark couple of years of my life,” admits Robert from London. “Now eight months into rehab, I use them a lot less and more wisely.”

“I think the problem lies with our own poor understanding of what we want from sex, and how to go about getting it,” David Stuart of 56 Dean Street says. “You’re horny; you switch on the app. You’re bored; you switch on the app. You’re craving that rush; you switch on the app. Apps CAN be used to address these things, but they don’t solve them all.”

“Additionally, it has been argued that by continuously using Grindr and other apps, many gay men are caught up in a compulsive cycle of emotional avoidance – using real or virtual sex to avoid or replace feelings of loneliness, boredom, sadness or depression,” adds Andre Smith of Positive East. “For younger and perhaps more vulnerable gay men, app use/addiction at this early stage of their lives may have profound impact on their future ability to form emotionally and psychologically healthy relationships.”

DAILY DOSE

The vast majority (74%) of those surveyed reported to using these apps at least once a day (34% said they use them daily, 26% said several times a day, and 14% admitted constant use throughout the day). 16% said they use them weekly, and just 10% said they use them only occasionally.

The majority (59%) of those surveyed didn’t consider themselves to be addicted, and 14% didn’t know – however, 27% of those surveyed said they’re addicted to these apps.

“It’s a double-edged sword,” says Emmet from Northern Ireland. “In one way they open up channels of communication and the potential to meet new people, but can have a hidden very dark side. I find the apps addictive, and tend to spend more time on them than they originally intended. While I don’t rate the apps highly, I would feel lost without them because they have worked their way into my daily routine.”

“I don’t use them all the time, but when I do I’m obsessive,” admits James from London. “I think they’re an addiction in many ways. I’ve had more sex as a result, but not better sex, and certainly not more meaningful sex.”

“I hate them,” says Damon from London. “They’re addictive. They’ve ruined the social side of meeting and cruising. And worse, it’s all too easy to be abusive and rude to others.”

“They have ruined the gay scene completely. In the five years I have been going on the scene it is nowhere as near as fun and as exciting as it once was,” says Joe from Brighton, “because people don’t need to go to a bar now to get laid. My sex life has improved, due to the nature of hook-up apps. But I was getting addicted to all of them. I couldn’t go a few hours without checking them.”

APP ADDICTED

“As a sexual health counsellor, I think it’s more than fair to say that some people are addicted to using sex apps like Grindr,” Andre Smith of Positive East explains. “A growing number of the gay men who I see as clients are genuinely worried about their increasing use of/addiction to Grindr and other apps. The appeal for a lot of guys is the immediacy. Apps like Grindr, Hornet and Scruff serve as a kind of fast food sex – it’s quick, easy and with no strings attached.”

“It isn’t a physical addiction,” GMFA’s Matthew Hodson adds, “but lots of gay men experience it as an addiction, which you can see by the numbers who swear that they’re ‘giving up Grindr’ only to be back on it in a couple of days.”

“I prefer to avoid the word ‘addiction’. It has too many differing definitions and connotations,” David Stuart of 56 Dean Street says. “I certainly think apps can be used compulsively. It’s no different from gambling: click the pretty buttons, some you win, some you lose. The reward centre of our brains gets a rush from this game.”

“The apps are very convenient, very easy to use, and there’s always the hope that the next man you meet may be the one to make you happy,” Matthew continues, “whether that means a relationship or just mind-blowing sex. For many people, the hope of something better just around the corner keeps them coming back.” 

SCENE DAMAGE

Although most agree that apps make it easer to meet people, some expressed concern about the impact these apps are having on the physical gay scene.

“They have made it easier to meet people. They can put you in touch with a lot of people you wouldn’t otherwise meet, which is good,” says Matt from Brighton. “However, they take emphasis away from physical venues, which many people think has negatively affected the sense of gay community.”

“It’s easier to meet for sex, but has impacted on the scene,” agrees Chris from Cardiff. “You see guys on them instead of actually talking to people that are in the club or bar.”

“I think the reliance on apps to chat to people can be damaging,” adds Emmanuel from London. “An example is that people who see you in clubs wouldn’t say a word to you. However, you are sure to get a message from them afterwards on Grindr, saying they saw you last night.”

“They’re a good way to chat with local guys,” says Chris from Chichester. “I think they’ve kinda destroyed the fun of flirting though, it’s too easy.”

DANGEROUS

“As with drugs and alcohol, the question is ‘who’s in control?’” GMFA’s Matthew Hodson says. “If you find your life is becoming unmanageable, that using apps is interfering with work, friends, or they’re not making you happy but you can’t stop using them, then these are signs that you’ve got a problem which you may need to address.”

“It may not be as acutely damaging as drugs can be. There may not be an equivalent ‘rock bottom’, so to speak; but it can certainly affect our well-being, cause isolation, depression and anxiety,” agrees David Stuart of 56 Dean Street.

“The potential problems lie with both the addiction to the app and the sex that men are having as a result,” adds Andre Smith of Positive East. “One of my clients told me recently that through Grindr he’d met up with and had sex with seven different guys in the course of one evening. Too much of what we may initially believe to be a ‘good thing’ will eventually start to have a negative effect on our ability to self-manage ourselves.”

“Using an app isn’t dangerous in itself,” Matthew Hodson continues, “but the more sexual partners you have, the greater the chance that you’ll be exposed to HIV and other STIs. If your condom use is anything less than 100% you may be taking risks with your health or the health of your partner.”

NECESSARY EVIL

Many of those surveyed had positive reasons for using these apps – while simultaneously recognising various negatives.

“It makes it really simple and easy for me to boost my confidence, something I lack,” says Greg from Manchester.

“I think these apps have made it easier for me to talk to guys face to face,” agrees TJ from Leeds. “I have never picked up a guy in a bar or anything like that, I’ve only ever met men (for sex or dating) through these apps.”

“They were a lifeline for me before I was out, providing really my only link to the gay community,” says Joe from York. “They’ve made sex a lot easier to find of course, but this has maybe made people more shallow.”

“They do make meeting men easier and in a less intimidating environment than going up to men in bars,” says Matthew from London. “They are especially useful when going away on holiday to meet other gay men (not just for sex!). In London they are used a lot and frankly I’ve gotten a bit bored of the same men appearing and the focus on sex.”

APP RAGE

Despite the widespread use of these apps throughout Britain’s gay scene, many regular users have mostly negative things to say about them.

Ian from London uses apps daily in search of everything from dates and a relationship to sex parties and chem sex. “Lots of people have lost the art of flirting and conversation,” he says. “I treat others and others treat me like a piece of meat.”

“They have caused untold misery,” adds Tony from London. “Sex shouldn’t be this easy to get. It makes a mockery of anyone trying for more. It creates false, limited kinship. Worst of all, people sometimes stay on the apps WHILE YOU ARE HAVING SEX WITH THEM. Has sex-life improved? I guess if quantity over quality is the prerogative, then yes, it’s improved.”

“I hate them,” says Paul from Brixton. “They’ve made meaningless sex easier but have made it next to impossible to find a meaningful relationship. People are rude, disrespectful and empty. A lot of people during certain times of the week are only looking for or offering drugs and bareback sex. It’s appalling. These apps are ruining the gay scene – opening a platform for gossip and social retardation. Even when people go out nowadays, they are constantly on Grindr or Scruff and all they do is talk about the profiles that they have open on their phones. From a sexual health standpoint, they spread disease and are highly addictive. I wish I could stop.”

“Worst thing that could have happened to the gay scene,” agrees Andy from Brighton. It prevents people from meeting ‘the old fashioned way’ out in bars and clubs, and makes sex a sport as opposed to an intimate experience. After ‘app sex’ I tend to feel self-depreciated but do it usually when under the influence or just as a confidence boost.”

 “They’re no good at all for meaningful interaction,” says Drew from Cambridge. “I tend to see logging on to them as ‘falling off the wagon’ when I’m feeling isolated.”

APPROPRIATE APP USAGE

The majority (58%) of those surveyed think they use apps like Grindr and Scruff too much, and would like to use them less often – with 39% saying they use them about the right amount, and just 3% saying they wish they could use them more often.

So how can we minimise or delete the apps from our lives?

“The first step is often one of acceptance, or a willingness to admit to ourselves that we might have a problem,” Positive East’s Andre Smith explains. “The first question to ask yourself is how often am I using the app? If you can’t go longer than an hour or so without picking up your phone to check the app, then you’re very likely to have or be developing a problem.”

“Health professionals can help, by addressing gay men’s sexual wellbeing,” agrees David Stuart of 56 Dean Street. “And gay men who use apps can simply keep a balance. Do the pros and cons exercise: if what you’re sacrificing through app play is entirely worth it... cool, carry on. But if it’s time to invest in your non-sexual, non-app social life, then invest in it. For your wellbeing’s sake.”

*****

Support – hooking up online

GMFA and 56 Dean Street are teaming up to develop a workshop for gay men to help them to establish and maintain their own boundaries when using dating apps. The workshops will help you to identify what you’re actually looking for from your hook-up, and to communicate this in a sexy, confident way.

For more information or to book a place on this course, email This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. .

*****

FS says:  27% addicted to sex apps?

There’s definitely a love/hate relationship between gay men and sex apps. One minute you’re chatting to a really nice guy who you might ask out on a date, the next message someone is inviting you over to shit on them. This is something we as gay men have just gotten used to.

Looking through the results of our survey, the key things that we found were that 27% said they were addicted to these apps and the majority of gay men wanted to use them less. So how can you deal with your app ‘addiction’?

The obvious thing anyone will tell you to do is to ‘delete them’. This is usually the wrong option as you are more than likely to re-install them two days later. The first thing you should do is look at why you use these apps and if you’re happy with the outcome of your time spent on the app. If you are happy with the way you use these apps, then you need to do nothing. If you’re, not then do something about it.

“Do you bareback?”

Most gay men who have HIV caught it from getting fucked without a condom. As far as gay sex goes, getting fucked without a condom, and having your partner cum inside you, is the riskiest thing you can do. In 2012, 3,250 gay men were newly diagnosed with HIV.

To find out how risky fucking is, visit www.gmfa.org.uk/how-risky-is-fucking.

“YOU CLEAN?”

Where do we start with this one? Not only is asking someone if they are ‘clean’ extremely offensive (why? because you are saying that HIV-positive men are dirty) but it’s pretty pointless.

The vast majority (about 80%) of gay men who become HIV-positive do so from having bareback sex with someone who doesn’t know they have HIV. So that guy who says he is HIV-negative, might not be.

Use condoms and plenty of lube when having sex. Test for HIV and other STIs on a regular basis. It’s recommended you test at least once a year but if you partake in risky sex then you should test on a much regular basis. It takes HIV roughly four weeks to show up on a test.          

To find your nearlest GUM clinic, visit www.gmfa.org.uk/clinics.

This article was taken from FS issue 141. To read this in digital format, click here. 

Fate is a tricky beast. When deciding whether to believe in fate, we tend to think about the good things that have happened.  But to earnestly believe in fate, one must also think of all of the tragic things that have occurred. Was it fated that millions of Africans were going to be ripped from their homes and enslaved; was it fated that 9/11 would happen thus causing global panic; and was it fated that millions of Jews were to be murdered during the Holocaust? This is a major reason why I’m conflicted with the power of fate. This is the story of my most interesting bout with fate. 

About a month and a half ago I downloaded Tinder in the hopes of getting myself out there and dating more. For those of you who don’t know, Tinder is another location-originated app for your phone, much like Grindr. But unlike Grindr, Tinder is geared more towards actual dating, not the obligatory Grindr “date.” 

I know it is just an app, but it is hard dating in NYC and we need all the help we can get! 

The morning after I downloaded the app, I started chatting with this cute boy with blonde curly hair and bright blue eyes. Yes, I realize I have a type. I asked him how his morning was and he replied “Morning? Where are you?” It turns out the location feature on my Tinder was a bit out of whack and had put me in touch with a guy who lives in England. We didn’t let the Atlantic Ocean stop us and we continued to chat. 

I discovered that he lives in Brighton, which is about an hour south of London on the beach. And apparently he isn’t even English - he’s from Poland. Still, we hit it off famously, and found ourselves chatting throughout the days and nights on Skype and sending videos and pictures (nothing dirty….yet). I remember in one of our early conversations he commented on how he couldn’t believe that I was single. I went on to tell him about how hard it can be dating in a city like New York, and how hard it can be dating in a city like New York while being HIV-positive. His only response to that was, “Is that still an issue there?” That was the first of many times my heart did a little leap for him. 

Being honest, I wasn’t even sure if I liked him because he was unattainable (let’s  face it  he’s  a seven hour and $1,000.00 USD flight away) or if I liked him because of who he truly seems to be. Regardless of that dilemma, we kept chatting.  

Let me back up a bit - when I came back from my two-week trip to England in November, I “liked” all these different British Facebook pages. Sometime in late March VisitBritian, one of the FaceBook pages I like, released a sweepstakes for different pride festivals in England. Now, I’m not a HUGE fan of Pride festivals. Don’t get me wrong, I sometimes attend and even enjoy the festivities but I found in recent years, it seemed like an excuse to party and go crazy and had nothing to do with ‘pride.’ Not to say that I’m not proud to be gay - I’m proud everyday - I just don’t need to dance around half naked to prove that. Long story short, I entered the VisitBritian sweepstakes. Hey, it is a free trip to England!!! And this was way before the Polish boy in England was even on the horizon. 

At the end of May, after a solid month of getting to know this boy across the Atlantic, I got an email from the prize committee saying I won one of the trips to England. WHAT THE FUCK!?! That was my subtle reaction. I quickly printed out all the information that was sent and had my attorney friends review it. I wasn’t going to be caught in some international scheme. I was still a little skeptical when they said it all looked perfectly good. 

Now, there were four different prizes you could win in this particular sweepstakes, all to different pride festivals throughout the UK. There was a trip to Cardiff, a trip to Manchester, a trip to Birmingham, and a trip to Brighton. Just so you know we didn’t get to pick which trip we wanted, they randomly picked the location for you if you won. If you haven’t already guessed, I was picked to attend the pride festivities in Brighton. That is right, I was being sent to specifically where the boy I have been chatting with everyday for the past month lives. 

So back to fate.  Is it fate that Tinder originally fucked up our locations and put us in the same vicinity so we could chat? Is it fate that I won a trip specifically where he lives? I don’t know.  All these events adding up have me believing that it is definitely the universe telling me I need to meet this cute guy with that strange yet sexy mixture of Polish and British accents. 

I am conflicted because if I believe that, I must also believe that all the bad in the world (and Poland) was destined to happen as well. Or…maybe, just maybe, I’m just one lucky bastard who gets to  experience all that England (and Poland) has to offer. 

Prologue: The Introduction 

It seemed like a foolproof way to end my psycho-sexual drought.  Fly him out.  Okay that's a bit of an exaggeration but I did chip in for half of the airfare from Chicago.  

One of my oldest friends had connected us. Although only 26 he loved older men, especially hairy guys who were also smart and on the scruffy side of the street.   

We had our first manic conversation on speakerphone. He was driving with my friend Ian and nearly giddy with excitement when he asked me if I could talk. 

“I have someone you have to meet.  I think you two would be great together. He's on speaker with me now.” We talked for fifteen minutes, with Ian and my friends adding commentary from the passenger seats of our cars. 

Mark was smart, energetic and non-linear.  In other words we thought and talked the same way. 

"I'm a gerontophilliac," he proclaimed. Ian interrupted, “That means he’s attracted to older men,” before adding and “he’s possibly moving to San Francisco.” 

In addition, though negative, he had no issues being with positive men.  I was having a hard time keeping in the moment.   

Planning the Rendezvous 

We spoke sporadically before deciding I would help the underemployed lover of older men fly west. We both confessed both our excitement and apprehension but Mark had friends in San Francisco so the pressure was off.  It took another month before we finalized our gay, multi-generational, cross-country encounter. 

Mark was looking for work and volunteering at a number of conferences so his schedule was tight and constantly changing.   After several off-again on-again plans we decided that he’d visit in early June after the International Mister Leather contest. His visit would be short but three days seemed just right to see whether our pheromones were made for licking, kissing and fucking. 

Mark would arrive Wednesday night. I was working and couldn’t pick him up at the airport. Instead he’d take the train downtown and I’d meet him there. That morning I was nervous and excited, second-guessing myself, amazing at my haplessness in love even while living in one of the gayest places in the world.    

Plan Interruptus 

That afternoon I got Mark’s text. He missed his flight. A drawbridge was broken, stuck in the open position, delaying trains all over Chicago. My naturally self-loathing ego wondered if he overslept because of a late night sex party with leather gods from all over the globe, but I put this neurosis to rest. Trust doesn’t come easily to me, never more than when engaged in the pursuit of romance, sex or love. 

The next night he arrived.  I sensed we were both happy to see that Ian wasn’t wrong, at least not from the looks of each other. I had grabbed a couple bottles of beer and took him to a quiet place overlooking San Francisco Bay where we smoked weed, drank and made out for an hour.  It was nice -  very, very nice. 

Leaving the waterfront he asked me if the Embarcadero Landmark Theater was far away. It wasn’t and then he told me he had to meet a friend. I was furious, thought I’d been played. When I asked him if he wanted to hit me up later he hesitated, mentioned this was someone he had met on chaturbate and asked would it be okay if he checked in with me later?  Screaming I told him don’t bother. 

He reminded me he’d told me about the film and he was right. But that was a couple of weeks ago. I’d forgotten about it. Mark, in the fog on IML and the chaos of missing his flight, forgot to remind me and he was leaving in less than 48 hours. 

Mark texted me late that evening and asked me if I wanted to hang out with him and his friends. No, I told him, I was in bed. I was surprised when he called the next morning. We hung out and had a really nice time until it was his turn to get furious. We were snapping goofy pictures on our phones when he saw that I had texted Ian about the previous night. 

Nothing Ventured 

We went to my apartment. Mark was angry. I was despondent. He slept for three hours and didn’t speak to me for a few more. I asked him whether he wanted to stay or go. We both mentioned it might be better for him to leave, but he spent three hours of texting and pondering before deciding to stay. We slept together that night careful not to touch each other. 

That morning I drove him to the airport and despite all pretenses of nothing ventured, nothing gained awkwardly said goodbye.   It was horrible. 

Over the past few years, a lot of new information has emerged about HIV prevention, risk and transmission. And boy, is it complex and technical! 

Treatment and undetectable viral load.

Acute infection and high viral load.

Pre-exposure prophylaxis (PrEP).

Post-exposure prophylaxis (PEP).

Seroadaptive behaviours such as serosorting and seropositioning.

Functional and sterilizing cures.

New testing technologies like rapid testing, home-based testing, and p24 antigen tests. 

Are we still speaking English? 

As gay guys, what have we been hearing about all of this, if anything? Has our understanding of (or confusion about) this new, complex, and technical information had any influence on our decisions about the kinds of sex we have? The Resonance Project is working to find out. 

What is the Resonance Project?

The Resonance Project is a community-based research project. Most of us working on this project are gay men ourselves. The project started in 2013 and will run for three years, until March 2016. It is funded by the Canadian Institutes for Health Research (CIHR). We want to understand what gay men think about new HIV information and how it affects our lives. We want to know: what’s the buzz on HIV prevention?To do this, we have been talking to gay men and service providers in Vancouver, Toronto and Montreal. We are asking them:

• What are gay guys hearing about what’s new in HIV prevention?
• How are we making sense of that information?
•  How is it changing the way we have sex? 

Who is involved?

The Resonance Project is a collaboration between four national HIV organizations, three gay men’s health organizations, and the University of Windsor. The four national organizations are CATIE (who is coordinating the project), the Canadian AIDS Society (CAS), the Canadian Public Health Association (CPHA) and the Interagency Coalition on AIDS and Development (ICAD).The three gay men’s health organizations are Health Initiative for Men (or HIM) in Vancouver, RÉZO in Montreal, and the Gay Men’s Sexual Health Alliance in Toronto.

The two principal investigators for the project are Dr. Barry Adam from the University of Windsor and Ed Jackson from CATIE.There are two part-time research staff: San Patten from Halifax and Marc-André LeBlanc from Gatineau. 

What is the rationale?

In the last few years, there has been a lot of new information about HIV risk and prevention. So much so that the HIV prevention landscape has arguably changed more in the last 3-5 years than it did in the previous 25 years. We want to know if any of this new information is resonating with gay men, and if so, how? 

The project focuses on gay men for two reasons.

• First, gay men still account for the largest number of new HIV infections in Canada, and the largest group of people living with HIV. We are the group most at risk in most parts of the country.
• Second, gay men tend to be early adopters of new information, new technologies, and new trends. Let’s be honest: we often SET new trends that are then taken up by others. So if anyone is tracking on all this new HIV information, trying to make sense of it, and incorporating it in their decisions about sex and risk, it’s likely to be gay men. 

To do the best job possible in HIV prevention and promoting the sexual health of gay men, we must ground our work in the real context of our lives today. That’s where we want to start - not by saying “this is what gay men need to know”, but by asking “what are gay men hearing? And what are they doing with the information?” In other words, what resonates for us? 

What do we plan to do in this project?

The first part of this project is talking to guys. We have talked to over 100 gay men and service providers in Vancouver, Toronto and Montréal through discussion groups and interviews. 

We are now going over what the guys told us, compiling all that information and analyzing it to see what themes and topics came out of those discussions. 

At the next stage, we will use what we learned from participants to develop new resources for gay men - resources that promote sexual health in a way that resonates with gay men.Then we will pilot test these new resources with guys in Vancouver, Toronto and Montreal. All of this should help organizations that promote sexual health among gay men. 

What kind of guys have we been talking to?

We’ve talked to all kinds of guys.

• Gay, bisexual, queer, two-spirited and other men who have sex with men
• Guys from different age groups
• Guys from a variety of ethnic and racial backgrounds
•  Guys who are HIV-negative and HIV-positive
• Guys who are single, dating or in long-term relationships 

Talking to a whole range of different guys helps us understand how some of us think compared to others. We don’t assume that all gay men have the same relationship to sex, risk, HIV, intimacy, pleasure… We want to know what we have in common but also how we differ. 

How can you get more information?

We will disseminate more information as it becomes available through the various project partners, including at www.catie.ca/en/resonance. 

I have been in a relationship with fellow contributor Christian Dolan for almost five months and I've never been happier.

Christian isn't like anyone I've ever dated; he's super honest, never holds back on his opinions and can talk for the whole continent of Europe. 

I love his drive and ambition to succeed in his career in digital marketing. I love the random fun we have. When we go out, he tells me he loves me at least 15 times (yes I've counted), we share treats like Haribo.We love Haribo and buy enough packets to assume production is coming to an end and we have to stock up.

There have been difficulties for us both which could be categorised as 'first world' problems. Both of us are going on big holidays separately, which means expenses have been squeezed resulting in some activities being postponed until next year. It seems silly, however during the infancy of a relationship you want to be doing different things. Nevertheless we have joined in many quiet nights watching Netflix.

Christian has always wondered what our thing is because we all have a certain thing that we have with our friends. For example my friend Mark and I enjoy photography. Christian and I do have a thing which is our love for each other and all things that come with it. Life fluctuates constantly and we have to ride the tide that comes along so I envision us having many enjoyable moments that will only be meant for us and will not be so easy to define.

I haven't mentioned anything about Christian's HIV status or even mine thus far, and that's because it's not what defines our relationship. I'm HIV-negative in a monogamous relationship with a guy who is HIV-positive. We had the chat right at the beginning of the relationship. Christian told me pretty much straight away, by slipping it into conversation. There wasn't some big dramatic scene and I didn't scream in hysteria or use a slur. I don't judge people for their mistakes. We all have done things that have lead us to where we are today. Christian hasn't hid his past and I thank him for it.

I fully trust Christian. I know he wouldn't put me in danger and you know what? We have a killer sex life (no pun intended). I think that's what some HIV-negative guys worry about, contracting the virus, thinking of the worst. The LGBT  community is very good at raising money, awareness and wanting to give a hug to someone with HIV; however when it gets too close, we form the 'cross' with our fingers and run. We are better than this, and when all it takes is a little conversation plus education, the chances of us catching the virus are small.

Of course lots of questions will need to be asked in a relationship like this but there is plenty of online literature out there. It's largely  willful ignorance that leads to transmission of the virus.

Christian and I have our whole lives to live. Some day we will be living under the same roof, battling time with ourselves, family, careers; this is what we do as humans. I'm not ignorant to HIV, but I will not let it rule my life or Christian's life. There are so many other obstacles that have to be challenged just for being gay even in liberal Blighty (Great Britain).

Like Oprah said, live your best life everyday.

Peace

Myron Bartlett.

This article by Roger Pebody first appeared on aidsmap.com here.  

A survey of men who have sex with men in Scotland has found that sexual health promotion is acceptable in online cruising environments such as Gaydar and Grindr, but that a significant minority of men object to health workers initiating contact with them while using these websites and apps.

The researchers from Glasgow Caledonian University make several recommendations for online health promotion with gay and other men who have sex with men. Their online survey was conducted with 1,326 men who were recruited through a social networking website (Facebook), sexual networking websites (Gaydar, Recon, Squirt) and sexual networking apps (Grindr, Gaydar).

Given the recruitment methods, it’s unsurprising that very large numbers of respondents used sexual networking websites (86.8%) and sexual networking apps (56.4%). Around four in ten respondents used one of these websites (38.0%) or apps (42.8%) on a daily basis.

Fewer respondents used BBRT and other sites focused on barebacking (14.7%), with only 4.6% using them every day. Unsurprisingly, unprotected anal intercourse was widely reported by men using these sites. But while it is often thought that they are mostly used by HIV-positive men who want to serosort, this survey found that a significant number of users of those sites believed themselves to be HIV-negative.

As expected, the websites and apps were primarily used for sexual reasons, but they also served a social purpose for some men, especially those living away from the big cities. The main reasons to use them were to meet men for sex, for dating and to swap erotic photos or messages, but around a third of men used sexual networking websites to make new friends or to be connected to the gay community.

‘Killing time’ was also a reason that a third of men used these websites and apps.

The researchers were interested in what kinds of health promotion interventions would be acceptable in these environments. Of note, less than 5% of website users and 2% of app users said they used these services to access sexual health information.

Few respondents objected to health workers taking a ‘passive’ approach. On sexual networking websites such as Gaydar, Recon or Squirt, 85.7% said it was acceptable for workers to have a profile or identity and to wait to be approached by users. Slightly fewer (74.5%) supported this approach on smartphone apps such as Grindr.

There was less support for a more ‘active’ approach, in which health workers approach participants and solicit engagement. On websites this was supported by 54.6% of respondents; on apps it was acceptable to 40.5%.

The researchers note that while the sexual nature of these online environments – and the higher rates of unprotected sex reported by frequent users - would seem to make them appropriate locations for sexual health interventions, proactive interventions may be met with resistance from some users. They say this resonates with research in public sex environments, which has found that specific social and sexual areas are delineated - sexual health promotion is only acceptable in the ‘social’ areas.

Utilising existing social spaces on websites or apps – or creating new ones – for health interventions may be culturally more appropriate than outreach within main areas, they argue. However it remains to be seen whether such an approach would be effective in reaching large numbers of men, especially those with higher-risk behaviours.

The authors also point to the importance of finding acceptable ways to interact with men on the specialist barebacking websites, who are likely to be at higher risk of sexually transmitted infections or of being involved in HIV transmission. Furthermore their qualitative research found that some HIV-positive men reporting these sites being important locations of community support (mentioned more often in interviews than websites established by health agencies.) While this role could possibly be harnessed, health organisations may be uncomfortable doing so. “Orthodox public health systems may have trouble engaging with the transgressive sites favoured by some gay men with HIV,” the authors comment.

Men responding to the survey supported sexual health promotion in various online media – around half said they would be likely to use an app allowing a 1-2-1 chat with a sexual health adviser (52.7%) or a service which would send a text message when it’s time to go for a sexual health check-up (49.4%). The latter was most acceptable to men who would benefit the most – those who reported unprotected sex with multiple partners and those who did not report annual HIV and STI testing.

But the researchers urge local health bodies – such as those who commissioned the research – to collaborate with and promote existing sexual health websites, rather than to create new local services.

They also suggest that sexual health promoters should consider how the negotiation of safer sex occurs in digital settings, where more direct negotiation is possible than in face-to-face encounters and intentions can be signalled by profile options. Health promotion could provide guidance to men who have sex with men on minimising the risks of online cruising - addressing issues such as managing information and disclosure; dealing with truth, ambiguity and omissions within online relationships; and the transfer of relationships from the digital to the physical world.

References

Frankis J et al. Social Media, Men who have Sex with Men and Sexual Health in Lanarkshire: quantitative report. Glasgow Caledonian University, 2014.

Frankis J et al. Social Media, Lanarkshire Men who have Sex with Men and Sexual Health: An Experiential Qualitative Analysis. Glasgow Caledonian University, 2014.

This article by Chris Groom (@mrchrisgroom) first appeared in FS Magazine, a publication of GMFA, here. 

As Ludwig Andreas (and Gillian Mckeith) once said, “you are what you eat.” But are we what we wear, too? 

What we wear attracts varying types of attention; some unwanted, and some most definitely wanted. Can the clothes men wear influence whether we approach them on a night out? From men in suits, to men in denim hot pants, we have all at some point been guilty of judging someone based on the way they dress. 

If a guy struts across the dance floor wearing a yellow see-through vest, we’d all likely roll our eyes (apart from the guy in the yellow see-through vest), but how would you react if he tried to kiss you? A snap judgment of this guy would imply that he wants a cheap night out and to get a quick leg over, but is that necessarily true? If the same guy was wearing a Prada shirt and a pair of LV shoes would you be jumping at the opportunity instead of pushing him away? 

Here’s my personal run-down of how my dating choices are influenced by sartorial choices: 

Keeping it casual 

What goes through your mind when a sporty masculine guy offers to buy you a drink? I know what goes through mine; it's a pleasurable wave of strong muscles, tight branded tops and high, tight bums - add a bit of stubble and you'll need to pass me a napkin to dry my seat. The ultra-cool, slick, informal look fits many tastes but it's a hard balance to strike. Too casual? Then he can look unkempt and uncared for. Too groomed? That's where he can go from masculine man to flamboyant boy. 

Unprepared for preppy 

The 'I’m heir to a manor estate' style worn by some preppy guys doesn't quite work for me, as it looks like too much effort was made when selecting the ensemble. The fitted cardigans, coloured dickie bows, thick framed glasses and the 'love myself' attitude sported by some of these trendy boys can be left at the door, but at least you can give them and ‘A’ for effort. 

Emo…no. 

The emo/gothic style is quite a general, thrown together, mono-coloured, 'hate my life' look. Faux leather jackets and net cardigans with skinny black jeans seemingly appear to be the only choices of clothing. So, on a night out, when a gothic guy decides to leave his safety blanket (meaning his circle of friends) and walks towards you in his four-inch platform boots, do I turn my back or engage him in conversation? I assume they live a life quite similar to the way they dress, which isn't very mature. 

Men at play 

A man in a suit and tie oozes maturity, maybe that's why they're most popular in cheaper priced venues. It always seems to be the flamboyant guys that try and get their claws into the wealthy looking men, but for what reason? Is it something deeper rooted than what the eye can see, or is it all about the money? We all know plenty of gold diggers who, when on a night out, jump on the guy who is offering to buy the drinks; but should you accept a drink from a man you wouldn't be willing to have sex with? 

Club bangers 

High top trainers, low v-neck vest tops and basketball shorts are popular for club kids and the Vauxhall scene guys; baseball caps have an extra 'something' but only with the right outfit. Vauxhall has a bit of a reputation -sex and drugs being the main theme – and I’ve been guilty of labelling some people like this, and subsequently proven wrong on many occasions. Let’s not forget the bears, cubs and leather boys of Vauxhall – a leather dog lead many not be everyone’s taste, but don’t judge too quickly, you might like it! 

Of course you shouldn’t judge someone on what they wear or how they look – there’s more to a man than that – yet we continue, myself included, to believe that people are what they wear.

I just want to fucking scream!!! I just want to scream at the top of my lungs, but living in a triplex with poor insulation precludes that. It’s really strange to feel angry, sad, frustrated, and diminished all at the same time. 

What brought on this complexity of emotions is something that most of us have faced and continue to face in our daily lives as a poz community. I’m talking about the rejection that follows after disclosure. Now, you might ask “Is it your first time disclosing?,” and the answer is no. “So why the angst over this time, you have been rejected before, haven’t you?” The answer is yes.

The story is really simple, it’s a rainy day and a quiet afternoon here at home. I decide to get online and check out my usual gay chat website. It’s been too quiet in my personal life and I’m wondering who is out there online.

After checking my messages, I navigated to the “display profiles on line” tab. As I stroll the online profiles looking for someone who is to my taste, I come across a profile that I’ve never seen before. He is quite a stunning man with bearded, masculine good looks and a stocky, muscular, furry build. Definitely all within my personal tastes. At a quick glance, his profile is listed as looking for love. Even though, I’m not clearly looking for another relationship, a simple interaction might be interesting, I really have nothing to lose.

Following is the chat exchange that took place ….

me : how's the love search going?

him : not too good. what about you?

me : got burned real badly in my last one....not sure I want one right now, unless someone can convince me otherwise

him : i know the feeling. you are very sexy. not worried for you

me : really? I've been in two consecutive relationships for a total of 17.5 years....the single scene has changed and there is alot of game players out there...that's my experience up to now....and you, how are you finding it

him : it is difficult to meet the right person. Where do you live ?

me: Montreal....

him: ha ha. i know I saw that in your profile. I meant which area ?

me : Mile End, and you?

him : Verdun... I would have offer you to come to my place for a beer and a chat and maybe some affection

me: that can be interesting...

him : I used to see you at the Stud a while ago.

me : and you never said hello?

him : never. you had always plenty of men around you. I don't think I am your type

me : plenty of men around me? I don't know about that, but you are my type....why else would I concact you?

him : I am not half way as muscular as you. 47 yo, 5'8'' hairy, 190, 6 cut

me : lol...I'm surprised you put the dick size up....but, the stats are good and I love meaty guys. You had my interest with your pics.....

him : why are you surprised that i put my dick size ?

me : because I didn't ask for it, and as long as you have one that works is fine with me....

him : I am hairy .. butt, legs, arms, chest. I am a bit concerning about the fact that you are Top. I am more into oral sex. fucking is something that I keep when I am more intimate with someone. I think you are a very handsome man but I do not think I can satisfy you on that aspect. For me, having sex is way more than fucking or getting fucked . I like to smell, eat, kiss, caress, rim, suck. So if all this is fine for you then come over.... might be also only for a beer and a chat

me : yes, I prefer to top, but fucking isn't essential or demanded...I think what you are offering is pleasing enough...

him : cool wanna come for a beer ?

me : yes...is after supper ok?

him : what time? I always prefer to meet before dniner... you eat early

me : supper is at six...  

him : lol okay. we'll see later then.

me : address, or phone number?

him : I should have said.. we will confirm later then. but here is my phone number 514-###-####

me : confirm later? ok.....514-###-####

him: may I ask you if you are HIV + or - ?

me : poz...problem?

him: I am negative

me : and the sex you are purposing is super safe...if it helps, I’m undetectable....

him : but knowing that you are Poz and that you like to top I do not think that I would be a good match for you knowing that getting fucked is not my preference. I would be always too nervous. I am sorry. You are really cute en sexy but I think I will decline. Hope you understand

me : no, I don't ...fucking was off the table, condomless fucking wasn't even mentioned...I would see a problem if you wanted to engage in unsafe sex, but that isn't the case here...I think that simply me being poz is the problem, not the sex, and now I'm being rejected because of my honesty. I didn't have to tell you, but because I'm a descent and honest person I chose to do so. People lie and some people don't get tested because they can continue to say they're neg.. Don't you think If I told you, then I'd make sure nothing harmful would happen you. Honestly, you are safer with me than anyone out there because you know the situation. If your decision is final, it's attitudes like yours that pushed HIV back into the closet and perpetuate the disease. The next guy might not tell you...and you know something, the problem will not simply disappear. Think about this, how long am I going to get kicked in the face before I say enough is enough and start to lie because of these attitudes?

him: I did not want to hurt your feelings . I told you that I am more a oral sex man. being fucked is not what I prefer. You are a top. I would be really nervous to be fucked even with a condom. You are an amazing man. Nobody has fucked me for the last 10 years. Can you imagine ?

me: why are you focusing on fucking? it's off the table, and it's not being demanded or requested!!!! What you are purposing is satisfactory. my cock will never get close to your hole

*****

That was my last entry in that chat exchange.

I waited for about five to ten minutes which seemed like an eternity. I was hoping that I had said enough to persuade him to change his mind and keep the tentative date, but there was no answer. Apparently, in cold contrast to the impact that this rejection had on me, he continued to stay online looking for what he called love.

Like I said, for me, it’s not my first, and I know it will not be my last rejection, but the impact for me hasn’t lessened with time and repetitiveness ether. I have not developed a callous protective exterior that one would think I should have by now. Every rejection hurts as much a the last one. Every time I disclose, it feels like I remove the protective façade that I have created to walk among society.

When I utter those three words “I am poz,” I am fully exposed and completely venerable to the person I stand before in my disclosure. In my heart, I’m hoping that this person will be kind this time, that he will see me as a person, a human being before I disappear behind that all encompassing label of three letters….HIV. I struggle to have him hear me and ease his fears, but I have already lost the battle. No words can reach him because he’s been consumed, he is in the grip of fear of the monster that we and they give too much power to, and it’s name has three letters…HIV.

How long can I endure these rejections I ask myself, and frankly, I don’t know. I know there are the unaffected few in the gay community that would prefer that people like me would just disappear as if that would be the answer to ending this pandemic and thus allowing them to return to unrestricted sexuality. Perhaps, as other considerations, we should just give up the search for sex, intimacy, and love and become sexually celibate or just maybe serosort and stick to our side of the fence in this world with it’s invisible viral divide.

Has anyone considered placing all of us on an island? All viable options for the ignorant many out there.

Why should I have to concede and carry the burden all by myself? I guess in a perfect world the responsibility of dealing with this disease would be shared, but that is not the case in the real world. Do I need to begin to lie in order to get sex, love or intimacy, because I don’t plan any time soon to take a vow of celibacy.

The world has to deal with us, they have no choice. We are not going away, and attitudes need to change, and we can’t be complacent about it. We may not like it, but life has a way of dragging us into this uncomfortable forum of them against us, if not for the simple reason of the search for human warmth.

As I finish this article, the sad part is that there are moments where I have this unfounded hope that this bearded good looking man that I chatted on line this afternoon will change his mind and call me, only to have reason and rationale kick in to tell me that I’m probably already a forgotten memory.

Do I lie the next time about my HIV status? I honestly don’t know. I guess I just have to get up and dust myself off because there is no lower low that I can experience in self esteem and I still have hope….

About the author: "Residing in Montreal, newly single and starting to face the challenges of single life after a decade of being in a relationship. The protective veil of my relationship is no longer there and I have to face the world, but as whom? This is where I am now.... "

“It gave me confidence and I am stronger after this workshop”

“The workshop was an eye opener, gives a different perspective on how to disclose”

“I loved all the laughing with everyone”

“The absolute honesty and sharing of personal experiences made this workshop one of the best learning experiences”

This is just part of the feedback we received from a Positive Sex HIV Disclosure workshop I co-facilitated recently in Kitchener Ontario.

I first wrote about this workshop in July 2013 after taking the training for the first time at ACCM (AIDS Community Care Montreal) in Montreal where it was developed. In September of 2013 I was invited to take it again by CTAC (Canadian Treatment Action Council) in Toronto when it became part of their programs. At the Toronto workshop I was joined by some of my peers from across Canada.

When completing the workshop I became a new facilitator and it was an expectation that I take it home and present it to my local ASO (AIDS Service Organization). I couldn’t wait. Some of us have done role play at other trainings we’ve been involved in so it would be a natural fit, something we could do.

Prior to doing my own workshop, we did some promotional work on social media using Facebook and Twitter. Some of our followers asked us to report back on how it went. We had to explain that each workshop would never be the same as the last and if they were to do one, it might look quite different from ours. The content that is used will come from the participants, their lived experiences or what they have heard from their peers.

“Hindsight can be a valuable tool to use in this workshop.”

During the role play exercises, we gave each participant a random character profile - they would not be playing themselves - and we encouraged them to use the language and negative treatment they have experienced. Hindsight can be a valuable tool to use in this workshop. Use all those things you thought you should have said, could have said.

There is no one way to run this workshop; the manual is a guide, it can be used to tackle other challenges or barriers we face living with HIV. It allowed us to change things up but we were asked to share what we did so others could try them.

For example, we did the “Speed Dating” exercise. In this exercise the “discloser” will interview up to five potential dates and from what they learn, they will decide whether it is safe to disclose their HIV status to each of them. At the conclusion we discussed how the interviews went, whether they were able to disclose, and why or why not.

We set the stage by decorating the table with black tablecloths, tea lights, and then dimmed the lights in the room. Then we gave the participants on each side of the table their profiles, but there were a few surprises on the “disclosee” (the ones who were not disclosing) side of the table. Some of them learned they were portraying a person who has been on the dating scene a while and may not know their own status. We don’t always meet the Sunday school teacher or the fitness nut, the dating scene is very different today, for everyone. By changing it up, we had taken the workshop in a different direction, very different than the other two I participated in.

When we were planning the workshop, it was our hope to invite someone from another ASO to take part and train to do a workshop in their area. This was the way to “pay it forward”. That person was unable to make it so now we are looking to do another workshop here in Guelph and try again. When another ASO is ready to do their workshop one or two of us would go and train them to facilitate it, then they would do the same.

The workshops don’t require a lot of money as it works best with 8 to 12 participants including facilitators. If it’s done through CTAC there is some funding to assist in some of the costs.

I have taken many trainings in the last four years; all have been very important in my journey, but this one was the most powerful. Disclosure is a part of our lives and we are the best teachers, peer led workshops work.

Workshops have being held in several parts of the country, British Columbia, Alberta, Ontario, Nova Scotia. If you think you would like to have one youresel the contact is CTAC: www.ctac.ca/positive-sex.

This article previously appeared in FS magazine here. To ask a question, visit GMFA here. 

Is there a cure?

"Is there any possibility HIV or AIDS can be cured?"

There have been a couple of cases highlighted in recent years where people appear to have been cured. This has been as a result of bone-marrow transplants, which are highly risky, or when an infant has been put on medication at a very early stage. Although there are some promising therapies in the pipeline, we are not aware of any that are currently at the human trial stage, so any cure, if there ever is one, is still some years away. We hope that there will one day be a cure for HIV but as this is certainly years, and possibly decades away, we would urge people to continue to protect themselves and their partners by using condoms.

Tested HIV-negative but still not sure

“Over a year ago I got some symptoms that can be associated with HIV infection. I had negative lab test after a month and negative Insti Rapid tests at a clinic 4, 5, 10 and 16 months. Yet I continue to suffer from all of the symptoms – fatigue, cough, skin rash, sore mouth, loss of appetite and thirst, loss of sense of taste and smell, forgetfulness, vision loss, burning hands and feet. Can the test continually miss the infection?"

Once you are beyond the window period for the test used you should not get a false negative result. So with five negative test results under your belt, assuming that you have not taken any further risks in this time, the cause of your symptoms is not HIV infection. 

Never been fucked but worried I have HIV

"At the age of 26, I am sad to admit that I have never engaged in intercourse... anal or vaginal. I am a gay man who struggled to come to terms with my sexuality in my teens and never really engaged in sexual activity with men until my 20s. Throughout the last six years, I have however engaged in kissing, wanking and oral sex with several men. I think still living with my parents at the moment has not allowed me to have a full sex life. I know, sad! But hey, it will happen. So with the ten or so men I have engaged in oral sex with (both giving and receiving) how at risk am I of HIV?

I have never really let anyone cum in my mouth. But sometimes I panic because I get a little funny feeling in my throat a few days after, or maybe that’s my imagination. I also once had a common cold a few days after, but thinking back, that was probably brewing before I had sex.

Most of the times I have engaged in oral contact it hasn’t been for a long time. Usually a drunken fumble or a quick cubicle moment in a bar etc. I have a tendency to read up on HIV for days and weeks afterwards which seems to take over my mind. It’s annoying. If I have got it from what I have done, it will be devastating without having intercourse. I have given blood twice in the last six years with no notification of anything being wrong. I hope you can answer some of my questions.”

As you will probably already know, the risk of HIV transmission from oral sex is relatively low, and much lower if nobody cums in your mouth. There is no risk from kissing or wanking. A funny feeling in the throat is not a symptom of HIV infection and although cold and flu-like symptoms can indicate HIV infection, in most cases they will be caused by colds or flu. The guidelines on blood donation are that you should not donate blood if you have had any oral or anal sex with a man (if you are a man) within the last year. Because they need to protect the blood supply, the blood donation service is very cautious.

For your own peace of mind you should consider testing for HIV, either at a clinic or by using a home sampling kit – you can order one free from GMFA. From what you describe, your behaviour is low risk.

Further info on oral sex.

Signs of HIV infection. 

When should I test for chlamydia?

"I had sex on Sunday night and the person I had sex with called me to say they have chlamydia. I am a top and I fucked him without a condom. In my town you can only get tested on a Wednesday, so if I got tested tomorrow would it show up or should I wait a week? And will I have definitely got it?”

It can take anything between ten days and two weeks for tests to pick up a chlamydia infection. We would therefore recommend that you wait at least ten days before getting tested for it and avoid sex with any other partners until you have been given the all-clear. If you have sex with someone who has chlamydia, or any other STI, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you will get it as well. The risk is however increased if you don’t use a condom, even if you are the top.

On many occasions, chlamydia doesn’t show any symptoms so it’s best to get tested just to get peace of mind, and get it treated with a course of antibiotics if necessary. Seeing as you didn’t use a condom, it’s also advisable that you get a full sexual health check-up. You can speak to your sexual health adviser at the clinic to see what they would recommend.

For more information on chlamydia, 

Please note, the advice GMFA provides is intended to support, not replace the relationship that exists between you and your doctor. GMFA recommends you visit your GP or GUM clinic if you have a sexual health need.

This article was taken from FS magazine issue 140. 

To view the DIGITAL MAGAZINE: CLICK HERE

Head out to any gay bar, open any gay magazine or watch any gay themed media, and what do you see: the perfect gay male body - 8-packs, biceps, huge cocks. As queer men, we have been conditioned to believe that this perfect hyper-sexualized image is the ideal – down to fuck at all costs.

In our community, our bodies have been tagged and categorized: jock, bear, muscular, etc.  One body that we have yet to embrace or even understand as gay men is that of the Queer Cripple, and that is where I would like to start my discussion.

I was born with Cerebral Palsy (CP) and started using a wheelchair from the time I was four years old. Throughout my childhood and adolescence, my disability never truly bothered me too much. I knew that I wasn’t like my peers, but my disability was my normal. Even after coming out at age 15 (after thinking that if I came out, the really sexy lacrosse player at my high school would magically fall for me…le sigh), my family accepted me with open arms.  

When I turned 19, I moved away from home to go to University. I was psyched; I was young, gay and free.I started frequenting the local gay watering hole (there’s a joke in there somewhere) hoping to meet the man of my dreams (okay, okay, man of the moment is more accurate).

In doing research for this piece, I read that people who are in accidents and then become a part of the disability communit, can have quite the shock when trying to adjust to their newfound status. I must say that when I entered gay spaces as a Queer Cripple for the very first time (after my initial revelation that “all these guys like guys”), I felt a similar sense of shock. I had guys backing away when I came towards them to dance. That was one of the very first moments that I realized I wasn’t the same as my queer peers, and this worried me.

Trying to navigate queer culture as a Person with a disability has not been an easy road for me, or others in my position. The Disabled Body is not at all represented in our culture – we have yet to see a gay man with disabilities in our media, at our clubs or on our porn sites. I have a few ideas as to why, which I would like to unpack: 

1. Our Bodies defy Homo-Normative ideals of Perfection: 

This one is not particularly only the case for Queer Cripples. There are many of us in the LGBTQ community who wished we looked like Colby Keller or Seth Fornea (can they do a scene together, please…) but never will.

The major issue for a Queer Cripple, is that I will never be able to ‘work off my disability’ at the gym, or change clothes to hide my wheelchair. A wheelchair user may never have a six-pack, eight-pack or the like because they don’t have strong torso muscles. A queer cripple may never have mouth-watering calves because they can’t walk. What we see then, is that the Queer Disabled body will never conform to the homo-normative ideals that we as gay men have been taught to uphold to the highest standards. 

I remember one night I had brought this guy home from a club, and we were planning on hooking up. In the middle of what was supposed to be a hot moment, he stopped me and said: “Wow, you don’t look like other men that I’ve been with”. I was secretly hoping that it was a compliment. It wasn’t. 

He continued, “Wow, you don’t move like other guys at all”. In that moment, I remember being taken aback, trying to figure out what to say in response that made me seem unaffected, unscathed. I can’t remember what witty retort I rattled off, but I remember feeling completely unattractive to this person because I wasn’t what he had expected. My body could never match that, and he was discovering this in real time. At the same time, I was being told, “I don’t know how to categorize your body…” 

2. My Body is a source of Fear:

When we consider disability, many people think that it is one of the worst things that could possibly happen to them. All too often, I start discussing my disability and I’m met with a barrage of responses that usually start with, “I’m so sorry to hear that” or “Oh man, that’s too bad”. I think that gay men are scared of the disabled body because it would represent the worst possible outcome in their lives, and the loss of their freedoms as gay men.

At one point during my 20s, I had a giant crush on this guy I met at a club. He offered to buy me a drink one night, and I just about jumped out of my chair (trust me, that would’ve been quite the sight). He had a great smile; his whole body was muscle, le swoon. We started hanging out, and every few weeks he’d text me and ask me out to the bar. In my attempt to find love, sex and all the above (plus, he was effing gorgeous, what gay man wouldn’t jump at that?), I obliged.

Two or three months into this pattern, I mustered the courage to tell him the truth. I remember we were sitting on benches while he grabbed a smoke (you know those guys who make being a badass look incredible? Yeah, he was that guy) and I said something like: “Listen man, I really like you, did you wanna go out sometime?” You have to realize that this took a lot of courage on my part, because I knew that dating with a disability is a new experience for many people. I’ll never forget the almost palpable silence before he answered. I sat there, with every second passing, waiting for my Little Mermaid moment, where he said yes and my disability melted away. It never came.  He looked at me and said: “I can’t man. Your wheelchair scares the shit out of me.”

I remember swallowing as hard as I could, saying “okay” and high-tailing it for the nearest accessible cab (which, in reality, meant waiting for about 45 minutes for one to show up). I was absolutely crushed because I knew that my disability was something that I would never be able to alter. 

3.  Queer Persons with Disabilities have no one to look up to:

I feel that one of the main reasons why the queer disabled body isn’t more accepted is due to the fact that we, as Queer Cripples, have no one to emulate. There is a paltry amount of literature on the subject, and there is nothing in mainstream queer culture. I am hoping to change that, but Queers with Disabilities need resources and role models to show them that their bodies have value. Moreover, the larger LGBTQ community needs to have some frame of reference so that they may understand disability. If there were more mainstream representations of queer men who simply happened to have a disability (one must be careful not to fetishize the experience), I believe things would change.

Impact on Queer Crips and the Opportunity within the Queer Crippled Body…

All of these issues have an impact on the Queer Person with a Disability. Often times when I look at my body versus my gay male counterparts, I have felt that I am not sexy or worthy of love or affection. I have felt that because of my disability, I will always be an anomaly in our community, always a novelty or pity fuck.  

While this lack of representation of the Queer Disabled body is problematic, I choose to look at this as an opportunity to change the narrative on body image in our community.

The Queer Disabled man is like a rare beast in our culture (rawr) and should be treated as such. Queer Cripples have had to adapt to a culture that has no framework to embrace them; this means they have learned new ways of doing things and doing… others. That means that while the Queer Crip’s body may defy all we have come to expect of gay men, it also opens the (back) door to many new possibilities about what we see as sexually appealing.

It is my hope that this has given you a glimpse into the world of the Queer Cripple and the issues that we encounter when trying to navigate the body beautiful world of Queer Men that has yet to understand us. I hope that that this allows for everyone in the community to consider the Queer Crippled Body as an opportunity for, rather than an obstacle to, pleasure. 

About the author: Andrew is a Disability Awareness Consultant with an MA of Legal Studies from Carleton University in Ottawa, Canada, specializing in Persons with Disabilities and the Law. He also advocates within the LGBTQ communities representing Queers with Disabilities. It is his goal to interrupt our homo-normative, body beautiful queer culture and introduce disability into the mix to ensure that Queer Persons with Disabilities are represented across all mediums.  His aim is to 'make disability accessible to everyone'. He has also represented Queers with Disabilities on the popular MTV Canada television program, "1 Girl 5 Gays". He is a featured blogger on Huffington Post Gay Voices and The Good Men Project.

You can follow Andrew on twitter @amgurza1 or www.andrewmorrisongurza.com

This article previously appeared on OurAgenda.ca here. 

This article previously appeared in FS Magazine here. To ask a question, visit GMFA. 

I always use condoms but could I have HIV?

If I’ve always used condoms during sex but never had an HIV test, is it highly unlikely I could be infected? Sometimes during sex the condom I was using came off but I rolled it back on or used a new one. About 15 years ago I had unprotected sex but I did not cum inside him. Should I have an HIV test?

Although your risk of HIV infection is relatively low, we advise all gay men who are sexually active to have a full sexual health screening, including an HIV test, at least once a year. If you change partners regularly, or you have any unprotected sex with new partners, you should be getting tested more often than that. Even though condoms are very effective, they do not guarantee full protection all the time. Sometimes they split, other times they can roll off. This could leave you exposed to STIs including HIV.

HIV is also not the only STI you can catch if you are having regular sex. Even if you use condoms all the time, you can be exposed to other STIs including gonorrhoea, chlamydia or syphilis. These infections don’t always present symptoms so you might have them without even knowing it. Being infected with these STIs can also make it easier to catch HIV. For this reason, it is important to get a full sexual health screening regularly so that, if you need to, you can get treated for any infection which you might have picked up – and this will decrease the chances of you picking up HIV.

You can have a sexual health screening free of charge at any GUM clinic listed on our clinics pages. There, you can also find your nearest clinic so that you can make an appointment when it’s most convenient for you. GUM clinics also offer free non-judgemental, anonymous sexual health advice which you might find useful.

Rimming for hep B?

I got rimmed by a guy and then we kissed. How likely am I to get hepatitis A or B?

You can only get infected with a sexually transmitted infection (STI) if it is present in your partner’s body. Your partner could catch hepatitis from rimming you if you were already infected but there is no additional risk to you if he kisses you after rimming you. To find out more about STIs and how they are transmitted, visit the STIs and How Rrsky is…? sections of GMFA’s website.  

For more information, visit www.gmfa.org.uk/sex.

Sucked off by an HIV-positive man

If an HIV-positive man sucked me off without using a condom, is there any risk?

There have been no reported cases of someone contracting HIV from getting sucked off, even if the person giving the blowjob is HIV-positive. It is however possible to catch other STIs, including gonorrhoea and chlamydia if the person sucking you off has the infection in their throat.

Messy anal sex problem

I have just entered a relationship with my new partner, and we have started to have anal sex. It’s been two months now and it has been enjoyable and comfortable. However, recently, I have noticed every time we have sex there is always mess, and I don’t know what to do. I always wash before sex thoroughly, but, there seems to be no let-up of discharge. What can I possibly do? It’s getting embarrassing and I want to sort this out. Can you advise?

Anal sex can get quite messy sometimes and it can put you and/or your partner in an embarrassing situation. You have to remember however that it’s perfectly natural and the best thing you can do in such a situation, is laugh about it and get cleaned up.

Although unavoidable at times, there are a few ways that you can prevent ‘accidents’ from happening. Most of the time, you can empty your bowels sufficiently by going to the toilet before you have sex and washing your bum well. Sometimes, however, it can be quite hard to get yourself completely empty in which case you can use a douche. This is done by squirting water inside your arse and forcing it out with the aim of flushing any leftover shit out.

You can buy douches in pharmacies or online. Some people tend to unscrew the showerhead and use the hose to flush themselves out. However this is not recommended as it’s hard to know the pressure and temperature levels of the water that will come out of the hose. As a result, you could burn yourself or insert too much water without even realising it. Wearing a condom not only helps prevent STIs and HIV but it can also help keep your, or your partner’s, cock clean.

Please note, the advice GMFA provides is intended to support, not replace the relationship that exists between you and your doctor. GMFA recommends you visit your GP or GUM clinic if you have a sexual health need.

This article was taken from FS issue 141.

To read this in digital format, click here.

After two failed marriages of 7 and 18 years each and a relationship of two years, I thought it was time to be on my own and just have a nice, peaceful life - just me and the dog. It felt good.

Some people say when you are not looking, that is the time you will meet someone.  I am here to prove them absolutely right.

Last year, I was invited to the wedding of a long-time friend and while I was there I met Henry.  Henry is the brother of my good friends Reg and Fi and I have known them for about 23 years - didn’t know Reg had a brother and had no idea that night I would find that love waits right around the corner when you least expect it.

Henry and I immediately hit it off at the wedding and on that first night he suggested we elope to Las Vegas. I thought about it for about two seconds and we both laughed.  That is why I have to tell you, I was shocked to find myself in Vegas nine months later getting married.  But I’m getting ahead of myself.

At the end of the wedding reception last year, I told Henry I was headed home with friends and he asked for my email. I took a deep breath and felt sad:  “No, I don’t think so.. it’s me, not you .  “Oh it’s OK, I know what you mean” he said.  I considered telling him about the HIV. Neither the time, nor the place:  “No, no, it really is me”.  I was tired of giving people a 101 on HIV and what undetectable meant.

The next day I got a Facebook Friend request. it was Henry.. ugh!  What to do?  I accepted.  He asked if I wanted to go out some time.  “Look, you don’t know anything about me” I wrote.  “Yes, I do. You have HIV”.  I was speechless, had his brother and sister-in-law told him?  “I Googled you! And at once I read all you have been through, it made me want to get to know you even more. I think you’re strong”  Was this guy out of his mind?  I had never had THAT reaction before. I was better because I had HIV?  Wow! 

After I met Henry, I knew this was no ordinary man.  We went for a drive in the country and he took me to see all the lakes and dams nearby and he would stop the car so that I could get just the right photograph.  He made dinner, washed dishes, vacuumed, did laundry, worked on my car.  I paced the floor at night. This was not what I had planned. It wasn’t the way things were meant to go.  Finally, I realized that in my planning I had lost the HIV part of me from days gone by, when I lived each day one at a time.

After months of smiles and laughter, patience and understanding and realizing that we truly were made for each other, we decided to get married.  Henry cracked a joke about Vegas and I said “don’t even joke about it - not in a million years”.  My idea of a wedding was on the beach in the Caribbean, not on The Strip with Celine Dion.  We set about planning Jamaica in February. We told a few friends and before you know it the little tiny wedding was getting to be bigger and bigger.  We considered having a wedding in the garden. Nope we just couldn't invite some people and not others and it was getting expensive - more expensive than Jamaica by far.

Finally, I asked Henry: “still interested in getting married in Las Vegas?”  I booked the license and certificate and a week later we were headed down on the plane.

Our taxi driver from the airport was very informative about the best restaurants and shows and we kept his card.  We told him we were getting married and needed a taxi to the Commissioner’s office the next day. Before long we asked him to be our witness at the wedding too!

On June 15, 2014, I wore a blue cocktail dress and high heels and Henry wore black pants and a blue shirt… and we arrived at the Commissioner's office.   She filled in the paperwork and asked us to join her in the next room.  We stood under a bower with false flowers. In front of us were five rows of empty chairs, save one which was filled by our taxi driver, and we were married at 2.40 pm.

Very, very happy.

I learned that just when you give up on love, it can be waiting right around the next corner.

In 1977, I ran for senior class president, hoping against hope that my penchant for wearing platform shoes and fellating men in my spare time might somehow get overlooked by my high school classmates in Bossier City, Louisiana. I lost that faith when my campaign signs throughout the school hallways were vandalized. As the student body arrived that morning we were greeted with the word “FAG” scrawled across the posters in red spray paint. 

Trying to comfort me, our student counselor Mrs. Berry gave me some advice. “When you put yourself out there in a position of leadership, you open yourself up to… criticism.” She stumbled over her word choice, unsatisfied with it, but I knew what she meant.

Still, a dozen posters with “FAG” painted on them seemed a little harsh.

That lesson isn’t lost in the treacherous and very adult arena of gay sexual politics and PrEP (pre-exposure prophylaxis, or preventing HIV infection using the drug Truvada). Speaking up in favor of the prevention strategy often leads to being labeled as anti-condom or simply a barebacking slut. So much for the complexities of modern HIV prevention. 

And then there’s the dark excesses of the internet age, in which people are symbols, hardly human at all, and serve only as place holders for a polarizing issue to be judged and dissected. It’s the contemporary version of red spray paint, obliterating the individual in favor of a single, cruel label.

One might expect Damon L. Jacobs, then, who has proferred himself to the world as a gay man using PrEP, to be a little bruised and resentful after two years of constant media exposure — and vulnerable to the name calling and labels thrust upon him. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Damon, who has spoken openly and sometimes explicitly about his sex life before and after PrEP to everyone from Huffington Post to The New York Times, takes the criticism and his accelerated celebrity all in stride. “It’s not personal,” he told me, referring to those who criticize the use of Truvada and his engagement in particular. “They don’t have any idea who I really am. Some anonymous people behind a keyboard do not matter.”

Instead, Damon believes we are in the midst of a community-wide teaching moment, so long as we do it carefully.

“We can’t underestimate the role of fear,” he said, suggesting his expertise as a New York therapist with a private practice. “For years, we have had to live a certain way by using condoms or die. Then suddenly things change. That’s where the attacks come from. Their belief system is threatened. I think attitudes are genuinely changing — the last year or so a lot of people have changed their views — but they have to go through a transition for that to happen. And they must be respected during that process.”

Although public scrutiny this intense is new for Damon, advocacy on behalf of gay men’s health is not. For years, Damon worked on behalf of an HIV vaccine trial, becoming a regular presence in the New York gay club scene to spread the word about enrollment. He continued the work even after opening his own therapy practice.

By the time the vaccine trial was discontinued in early 2013, Damon had been privately taking PrEP for nearly two years. After having heard about early, encouraging results of PrEP research — and facing the fact that he wasn’t using condoms as often as he once had — Damon talked to his physician and started taking Truvada independently long before it garnered FDA approval.

It was a prescient move on his part, but not a choice he had been discussing openly with the many gay men with whom he had been in contact through his vaccine work. A drag queen changed all that.

Damon had worked with her during his bar outreach about the vaccine trial, and when they crossed paths again he mentioned he was taking PrEP. “What’s that?” she asked. When he explained it, her face “just dropped,” he said.

“Why didn’t you ever tell me about this?” she asked him. “I just tested HIV positive.”

“No one was getting the message out,” Damon told me. “Not public health, not HIV organizations, not on social media. Nobody.” When Damon began a Facebook group about PrEP in July of 2013, the response was nearly immediate. “Things snowballed,” he said.

What followed has been a firestorm of newspaper, television and online coverage of PrEP, often using Damon as a personal illustration. By participating, Damon has had to discuss the most personal aspects of his sexual life, including his growing reluctance to use condoms consistently, being a receptive sexual partner for whom exchanging semen has meaning and, perhaps most heretical after a generation of fear and mortality, the importance of pleasure and satisfaction in our sex lives as gay men.

“Pleasure and death have been one in the same,” he said. “For so long, pleasure could only result in something tragic, rather than seen as something important and powerful. To challenge that belief system, we need to have patience and compassion and empathy.”

Transparency about our sex lives — as they actually are, in the real world — has always been key in understanding behaviors and crafting HIV prevention messages. Moral debates only benefit the virus. But Damon’s honesty has enraged many gay men for “promoting” choices that are viewed as irresponsible and even dangerous. He responds to those attacks with his usual calm and a unyielding personal philosophy.

“I’m a student of A Course in Miracles,” he says, referring to the self-help curriculum popularized by Marianne Williamson in the 1980′s. Williamson was also very active in the earliest response to AIDS in Los Angeles. “I’m here doing God’s work,” Damon says simply. “And that work is to promote love in this world. I don’t usually talk about this, but I want to help people reduce fear. Depression, drugs, suicide, and even attacks on me, they’re all manifestations of fear.”

Honestly, I had expected to find an advocate more battered than this one. I was interested in the toll such constant scrutiny might take on a man. But Damon surrenders only the merest suggestion of the challenges of such explicit and public honesty.

“Most of the feedback about my work around PrEP has been great,” he said. “But a lot of hate and aggression has been unprecedented. It’s not the level I am used to. But I can sleep. A lot of people who stand up for love are going to be attacked.”

My high school campaign posters, a painful memory some forty years behind me, came again to mind. And in the calm of Damon’s convictions, those signs, dripping in spray paint, began to lose a great deal of their damaging power.

Mark

This article previously appeared on Mark’s own blog My Fabulous Disease here.