These condomless sexual encounters continued. What I had originally planned and what I actually got were two different things
All my encounters resembled sex of the late 70’s before the AIDS epidemic. I know that gay porn was always condomless then and that people were barebacking, but I never expected reality today to completely mimic that era in such a complete and consistent manner.
For a short time, I was able to go with the flow, so to speak, given the fact that sex was back in my life again and I was enjoying it. I didn’t realize how much I missed it and each of the sexual adventures was exciting by providing me with a unique experience. After having been in a relationship for so long and being sexless a period of time, I had forgotten how titillating the novelty of sex with a new partner each time could be.
The revolving door of my bedroom was fun but it didn’t last long. Out of that deep, dark closet that I had thrown it into before embarking on this new route, HIV had begun to occasionally peer it’s head out. There were the occasional reminders that it was still there, no matter how much I tried to deny it. The fact that I wasn’t disclosing before these sexual encounters had slowly become an activity angst with questions and concerns, including a blaring mantra repeating in your head that goes like this…”I’m not doing anything wrong, I’m not infectious, everything is ok…” during sex. This was a detraction from the pleasure that sex was supposed to be. It’s supposed to fun and a clear conscious sexual activity. Anyone having sex should be fully enjoying it and I wasn’t, but not to a point that I would stop altogether.
I suppose I could have lived with the uneasiness that permeated these sexual encounters if I had kept all of them to a level of casual or one night stands, but some of these encounters turned into repeats and this was something I should have never let happen. I wasn’t thinking it through and reminding myself of the decision I took of keeping it casual before embarking on this road, when the suggestion of seeing each other again was brought up.
I‘ll have to admit at times it was me requesting a second time, and some of these repeats appeared as potentially ongoing situations. I have to admit too I started to like the few guys who had started to turn into more than a one night stand. I never expected emotion would get in the way, but I lost focus. I actually started to like these guys at a very basic level while at the same time trying not to think about my nondisclosure of HIV status.
The question of how they would react to my disclosure after barebacking had passed my mind with each and every one of them. I even tried to imagine their reaction to it based on how well I knew them. I even thought that maybe, someone might disclose back to me after the fact too, After all, how could they bareback with a virtual stranger and not ask any questions?
Was my façade that good? Or are they under some misguided impression that all poz guys disclose? The truth is that in spite of the laws presently in play, we do not. For some of us, for multiple different reasons, we can’t or won’t. Maybe that portion of the poz community has, metaphorically speaking, been kicked in the face too many times with rejection. Maybe our skin isn’t thick enough to bear the brunt of the impact of rejection and we’ve possibly lost a little bit of ourselves each time in a cumulative manner that we considered giving up. Maybe simply we all crave human warmth and to be treated as normal human beings which is paramount in our human existence, and finally, maybe because when we disclose and remove our masks, we’re rarely accepted.
The sad reality is that I would never know the answer to that question. It’s impossible to ask because of the implied betrayal and secondly, the illegality of what I had done. I couldn’t disclose under these circumstances , even though I believe I haven’t harmed anyone health-wise; the law has made certain of that. The law has given me two choices, disclose and face almost certain rejection or hide my status and walk a very dangerous line close to prosecution and imprisonment. These have been my two choices in almost all scenarios.
If you ask where I am today with all this, I can say I’m presently not seeking to hook-up with anyone. Blame it on the cold weather, low interest, or being in a reflective state from all that has transpired. What I can say is that there was one pivotal moment with someone I had started to see on a regular basis. I was fucking him one day and after a while, when he assumed I was possibly close to coming, we were in a position in bed where he hooked his hands behind my knees. I tried to pull out but he wouldn’t let go, as if to possibly imply by this action that he wanted me to cum inside him, which I hadn’t done in previous encounters. What I was concerned about was that I was at that point where I would normally pull out and it was getting awkward fighting his grip on my legs. I did finally get out of his grip by telling him that I was getting a muscle cramp.
I grasped that what I was doing with these people could escalate by them pushing the boundaries that I had set for myself. I realized because we are two in bed, I’m not in complete control of the situation. So, after some serious thinking, I came to the conclusion that I couldn’t continue with these established rotating situations and decided to get rid of all my regular fuckbuds which I hadn’t disclosed to, which is all of them, except one.
What I learned from all this is that, first, sex has always been more personal to me and although I can do the one-night stand thing, it’s not really me. I think now that is why I started to get involved with some of the guys I met. I believe as we get older and we have done the one-night stand thing, we start to look for something more. Being alone or single at middle age is not the ideal state in my opinion. I know the majority of the single scene has a very casual approach to what I call the wham, bang, and goodbye, but it’s never been me.
The other thing is the whole nondisclosure aspect, I know I can have sex without disclosing, but as I said in part one, it’s burning a bridge at the same time, one you can never cross again. You can try, but with possible legal ramifications. The sad aspect to all this is when you meet a nice decent guy and you can’t take it any further because of decisions made earlier in the evening or on a previous date.
In all this you ask where is the hope, the bright note in this story? Well, in my jaunt through the world of nondisclosure, I did meet someone who didn’t reject me or run when I dropped my mask. The details are interesting, but too long for this story, but he is intelligent, kind, and unique, but I don’t know where it’s headed. I have many questions for myself and this new presence that I don’t know yet how to label.
Am I done with nondisclosure? The answer I have for you right now is that I don’t know.
As a final note, what I want to say here is that realistically the odds are against us, but there are people out there who will not reject us solely on our HIV status and can still see the person before the disease. Keep hope alive in your hearts and souls, and don’t let the rest of the ignorant world diminish your quest. The ones we search for are out there. Good luck.
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